A Woman Online (and Off)
when grown men harass you just to feel something
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In my first grad program (Women’s & Gender Studies at DePaul University), I was in an elective course for the degree: Women & Religion. It had students from my cohort and those studying other subjects. A friend of mine from my cohort and her boyfriend were both in this course. The boyfriend and I butted heads one day when he was espousing Zionism and I vocally critiqued this. I left class pissed off, but shrugged it off. He left class pissed off, but he wouldn’t let it go.
This grown man began harassing me via text message. He wanted to force a conversation with me. No matter how many times I texted back telling him I wasn’t available for discussion, he wouldn’t stop. He called me antisemitic due to my support of Palestine and my anti-Zionist stance. I asked my friend (his girlfriend) to please tell/ask him to stop. She said, “Well, this is between you two.” I silently wondered, was she in an abusive relationship, was she just a shitty friend, or maybe both?
The incessant texts continued for a week. He wouldn’t stop until I finally agreed to meet up with him at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Logan Square. We sat in a booth. I was far too anxious to drink my coffee. He was animated, confrontational, sitting across from me ready to pounce. He was talking so quickly and I couldn’t hear anything. Because I couldn’t take it anymore, I agreed with whatever bullshit point he made. I had to acquiesce/fawn/appease so he would finally leave me alone. My “friend,” (his girlfriend) was happy that we “worked it out.” Our friendship was never the same.
I thought about this experience recently and I would have handled it differently at the age I’m at now. I would have fought harder, but I didn’t know how to at the time. I remind myself that I was in fear of this man and I did what I needed to do to protect myself.
As a woman online with a large following, I have received my fair share of death and rape threats. These threats have come at varying times during my chronically online life, but the time they hit the most is when I post anything critiquing white veganism or when I talk about a free Palestine.
Most recently when posting about my pro-Palestine and anti-genocide stance, I was met with an onslaught of private messages from followers and non-followers who called me names and threatened me. One follower messaged me incessantly to the point where I had to block them. Then, they messaged me from another profile. This is a common tactic used in social media spaces. It shows the person being harassed that they aren’t entitled to having boundaries. Followers can think I’m great most of the time, but if I step out of line, I can be lambasted. I have had followers tell me to kill myself because I’m not vegan. The drastic swing from “Thank you so much for posting about X,” turns into “Fuck you for posting about Y.” We can’t all agree on everything, but I find it hard to engage with people who don’t agree that Israel (with the help of the U.S.) is enacting a genocide against Palestinians. Similarly, I have difficulty with anyone who believes we should all share the same dietary needs.
I often need to weigh the pros and cons before I enter a conversation with a story or comment. I receive harassment and abuse even from my own followers, depending on the topic. It’s easy to think that having a following means people like you–at least to some extent–but that’s not always the case. In a world where “hate-following” is a thing, we can never be completely sure someone is following us because they like us. I’ve had various experiences of followers waiting until I fuck up just so they can then “prove” I was incorrect. I’ve had followers consistently message me, “Why aren’t you posting about X, Y, Z? I guess you don’t care.” On social media, posting equals representation and endorsement. It’s the difference between caring and not caring.
When you have a following, you have some semblance of power, but this power dynamic is rife with contention. You feel like you owe hundreds of thousands of people whatever they want. You begin to believe any and all lies told about you. As your humanity is stripped away, bit by bit, you begin to lose your identity; your self. The harassment and abuse in these moments is painful and traumatic.
The requirement to speak up about any topic at any time is that this still won’t appease followers. There are sometimes claims of “virtue-signaling,” defined by Cambridge Dictionary as: “an attempt to show other people that you are a good person, for example by expressing opinions that will be acceptable to them, especially on social media.”
When I’m thinking of entering a conversation, what also goes into my pros and cons are the following questions:
Who will be upset if I post about it?
Who will be upset if I don’t post about it?
Is posting this virtue-signaling?
This process feels a bit like what I imagine a celebrity’s public relations person goes through. Nothing is ever enough and everything is too much. People have a very difficult time with nuance when they’re online.
Online abuse, harassment, and cyberbullying are enormous and still have not been consistently handled, if handled at all. This becomes even more difficult when it’s happening within our own circles. When we call on social media platforms to do something—anything—our calls are left unanswered; often not even acknowledged. Digital violence is specific to internet culture, though it can permeate offline as well. Even if it stays only online, we still need to be taking it seriously. Survivors of digital violence still deserve peace, understanding, and respect.
Currently, I speak up a lot about Palestine and anti-Zionism and I have no plans of stopping. Palestinians direct message me their heartfelt gratitude, which I never feel I deserve. Posting and reposting in support of Palestinian resistance against their ongoing genocide is the least I can do. Losing opportunities because of my posting does not faze me. Stopping isn’t even a decision for me, because, frankly, my own humanity has been forever changed by this moment. I have known Palestine exists and Israel should not for over a decade now. I have known that nobody should get an ethnostate. I have known that apartheid is categorically monstrous.
No fear of speaking up is greater than or equal to the fear that Palestinians are feeling right now.
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been listening to Astrid Sonne, who is new to me and I like!