Aging is actually hard work

a few sads

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I am really struggling and for the first time in my life, I don’t feel like writing about it publicly.

I’ve heard there is a thing that happens in the first year of your 40s: an initiation of sorts. Things are changing (as they always do) and I am changing, too. I’m second guessing whether I should have tapered down on my Zoloft. I’m anxious about starting, not one, but two new medications. I’ve never been this old before.

Aging is actually hard work.

This past week, I found out one of my best friends in middle school and part of high school died from cancer at age 40. A cancer she had lived with for 15 years. She was also one of the three girls who contributed to bullying me in high school. I always liked her best and faulted her the least for it. For several years, I had thought about reaching out to her, because I missed her and probably wanted some type of closure. Well, now I can’t reach out to her—at least not in this realm. I feel disbelief that she has died. I feel immense sadness.

I then found out that one of my dad’s best friends who recently died from cancer, his 45-year-old daughter now has cancer. Everything about this feels unfair and morbidly funny in its presentation. I mean, are you fucking kidding me right now?

Then I sit here with my own mental and physical health woes, which are not cancer-level, but they are longstanding, and I feel like I should be grateful. And sometimes, I can access that, but this week, I can’t. I just feel immense pain for everyone, including myself. So much of life these days has been about discomfort, dis-ease, grief. I tend to feel more grief in spring, as everything is coming alive versus autumn when everything is dying. Spring is showy, autumn has more substance.

I’ve cried every day this past week. I cried for my old friend. I cried for my dad’s friend’s daughter. I cried because I felt really lightheaded one morning. I cried because my mom wasn’t feeling good. I cried because I was listening to “Thingamajig” by Miya Folick. I cried because I had to get fasting bloodwork done. I cried because I’m scared (but hopeful) to start two new meds. I cried while coloring and watching “Gilmore Girls” because I so badly wanted to live in Stars Hollow and escape myself.

And yes, there are good things in my life. But I am in a moment of immense sadness.

I know most of us are not okay right now—especially those of us living in the U.S. I’m trying to be okay with whatever is here, whatever comes. I dream of a better inner world (for me) and a better outer world for all of us. I wish we’d get there soon.

1. Your illness is not your fault - Devany Amber Wolfe

2. a disability post: a few words about illness - Lorelei Lee

3. Histamine is Trying to Get Our Attention - Sara, RN

4. Mothering Is a Verb - Sophie Strand

5. ‘The power of organizing’: How Indigenous organizers defeated a mining company at Pe’ Sla - Alexandra Martinez

6. Judge Blocks US Sanctions Against UN Palestine Expert Francesca Albanese - Shireen Akram-Boshar

7. Gen Z but two centuries ago - Emily Herring

8. Mayo Clinic is Using AI to Listen to Emergency Room Visits - Joseph Cox

9. How to Halt a Deportation Flight - Emily Markwiese

10. this will also make you cry: