Always on Fire
My last post of 2022!
Dear Readers,
Historically, I have never been a fan of NYE, but I always participated in the festivities. I did this mostly as a way to get away from myself. I used to dress up, put on all the makeup I owned, and go out to various parties. I was always hoping to find something—mostly love. I would leave the house hoping for the cringey plot of a Hallmark Christmas movie. This was in my 20s, when my primary desire for love was boxed into the romantic, partnered kind. Sometimes I had fun, more often than not, I went home at the end of the night dampened with yearning.
Now, at the age of 37 (and for the last five years at least), I am less and less interested in stepping outside of myself to find something/someone/a feeling/etc. I’m not saying that stepping outside of yourself is bad or wrong. I’m also not saying that wanting to change a feeling any way possible is bad or wrong. For me though, I’ve been working on staying in my body and not running from my feelings or sensations that may cause me distress or discomfort.
It is easier, more comfortable for me to think outside of myself—to use a gentle external focus on another. This removes me from myself. It removes me from being with/in myself. There is a burnout that happens after a while of focusing so much on others, and it is excruciating. When the burnout sets in, all I have is me. I’m reminded time and time again that I am the only one who will always be with me.
This used to scare me. It still does a bit. Being afraid of yourself is agonizing. Being afraid of your body and brain is torture. You are imprisoned and it’s not of your own making. Would it be better or worse if it was? The only thing I know is that I never consented to this. And it’s because of other times and experiences that I did not consent to that I am afraid of myself.
I continue to work on staying in my body. I try to gently notice sensations, but only using a small percentage of focus. Otherwise, I continue to feel like I’m lighting myself on fire—again and again. And the light may be pretty, but I’m tired of burning.
I don’t put a lot of stock in New Year’s resolutions, but I do like any excuse to reflect, review, and revisit. I’m hoping that 2023 will bring goodness to all of us. I’m hopeful to have a life of greater ease, joy, and peace.
I’m hopeful that I can learn how to tame the fire.
-Lachrista xoxo
Recs of the Week:
The Understated Beauty of Decorated Paper - Sarah Rose Sharp
The Spirit of Yiddish Socialism - Marvin S. Zuckerman
What If We Dreamed of Shared Support Instead of Private Space? - Beth Boyle Machlan
Perfect Pussy Complex: inside the internet’s ‘clean girl’ obsession - Halima Jibril
Identity is Not a Genre - Danika Ellis
This sweet song!
Heard a lot of good things about Biafine, so I finally bought a tube!
This video from one of my fave humans
✨A few things✨
The Guerrilla Feminist is reader-supported! Thank you to the folks who pay monthly to support my work. If you want to be added to a paid plan, go here.
Want my consulting on Digital Violence Prevention Programming? Go here.
Have an anonymous question for Ask Guerrilla Femme? Submit it here!
Forward this email to a friend you think would enjoy it or take a screenshot and share it on social media!
Happy new year!!!! Hoping for less anxiety, better decisions, health and a better understanding of living in the moment....for all of us....