And Another One!
(said in DJ Khaled's voice)
Dearest Readers,
I didn’t know what I wanted to write about this week. I often don’t know immediately, but I usually have some idea. The only thing that came up for me was a sort of update on my healing from my “no good, very bad” breakup a year ago this month. So I guess I’m writing about this shit again. Enjoy!
The other day, feeling particularly down, I thought to myself: “Nothing good came from that relationship—that breakup.” Almost immediately, my body knew that was not true. I sensed into myself for a moment, and heard, “Here’s a list of all the good that you were given since that breakup…” Then, I decided I had better write it down in case I forget.
Here are some of the things that were good that came from something ugly/shitty/awful (and not in a: “living through bad stuff is good because it shows our resilience, blah, etc” type of way):
a return to self
a return to hobbies
a return to writing (which has continued to save me)
a return to friends and connections
a new, stronger sense of self
a focus on healing old wounds
actually writing my book (which is, at times, feeling effortless)
loving myself more
Weekly somatic therapy
breaking patterns that were truly not good for me
I’ve had a lot of alone time in the past year. It’s been difficult at times, but it’s also been incredibly good for me. I had a false start with one brief relationship, but I’m proud of myself in that I ended it when I found out about some behavior I didn’t want/need to deal with.
It’s hard for me to not feel incredibly “behind” in life, and this feeling is always loudest after a breakup. I’m 37. I live with my mother (because I can’t afford my own place). I have a lot of student loan debt. I’ve never been married. I don’t have kids. I make the most money I’ve ever made currently and that is still well under 75K/year. I feel like I fucked up somewhere, and yet, I know that I didn’t.
I am in a process of grieving the life I thought I would have by this age.
There are things I thought I would have by now. There are experiences I thought I would have by now. There are some things that I’m not even sure I want, but I thought I would, at the very least, have been confronted by their possibility by now. Much of this has to do with relationships, of course.
According to my astrology chart, relationships/partnerships are my greatest teacher in this life. I’m trying to look at relationships through the lens of: what can I learn from this about myself and about humans in general? That reframe has been helpful for me so I don’t feel like everything that ends means “failure.”
To be completely honest, I’m not sure how (or if?) I will ever fall in love again. I know I have a lot of love to give, but I’ve been so immensely burned by truly unshakeable relationship experiences. There is too much scar tissue for me to fully clear.
I’m not sure how I will ever date again. At the moment, I’m fine with not knowing. I’m fine with the possibility that I might never date again or fall in love again. I know I will probably feel differently about this, but it’s fine for now. I’m not pushing it. I’m not pushing me.
For now, I’ll put my love in other things. I’ll put my love in family and friends and words and music and movement.
I’ll put my love in me. And let it breathe there for a while.
🎉 Mood Board for the Week
anchored: a deck for healing from
I wrote a trans-friendly kids’ book. The Internet called me a filthy groomer
The sharp scrutiny of midsummer -
I had a color analysis done (I’m a Twilight Autumn). I’m obsessed.
Nobody Thinks It Will Happen to Them: New Research on Covid -
Playing ukulele again (badly, but whatever)
Rainy grey days
Ozempic scientist says the drug makes life ‘so miserably boring’
If prison officials really want to encourage creative expression behind bars, here’s how to start
✨Reminders✨
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