Friendship In The Time of Covid
Have your friendships survived, thrived, or failed during the pandemic?
When I was a little girl, I used to pray for a group of friends. I typically had one or two close friends, but I was dreaming up a four- or five-some. Finally, in 7th grade, my dream came true.
I was part of a five-some. It was me, Carly, Lizzie, Rachel, Kara, and sometimes one or two other girls who would come and go. Us five were the core, though. They were the center of my world. It all changed in high-school when Carly and Lizzie went off on their own, and Rachel, Kara, and myself added a girl named Elaine to the group. I won’t go into it here, but essentially what happened was Rachel, Kara, and Elaine began bullying me and then ostracized me out of the group. My world felt apart. The friend group I prayed for disappeared.
Friends have always meant so much to me—probably more than what is healthy. I am a very loyal friend and expect the same loyalty in return. I have a difficult time getting close to people since I have been burned in ways I never knew possible. Thankfully, these days I have a few very close friends in my life. Some who live in town, and some who don’t. I know them all from different places/spaces in my life: dance school, college, grad school, yoga, etc. I am fortunate to know and love these people and for them to know and love me.
The pandemic created more shifts and fractures in friendships/relationships for everyone. I felt I needed to work harder at maintaining these relationships, and some did not survive (eg. my romantic relationship). My friendships have mostly remained intact—and some are even stronger—but the time and effort it has taken me and others to attend to “friendship maintenance” has been a lot.
I am definitely not the only person who is experiencing this. A few weeks ago, I polled my followers on Instagram asking how/if the pandemic has changed the relationships in their lives. I received many responses, which you can read below.
Many people wrote in saying similar things: friendships fizzling because of self-isolation due to the pandemic; people realizing that their friends weren’t taking the pandemic as seriously as they were and not implementing similar precautions; a difference in communication methods, and more.
I’m going to be honest: I think many people take their friendships for granted. I think many people assume that friendships don’t need water and sunlight to grow and expand. I think many people don’t know you have to till the soil; you have to get your hands dirty. Friendship is not a “set-it-and-forget-it” thing (or at least not in my world). All of this takes energy, and unfortunately, due to the pandemic, and other truly awful things happening in the world, many of us are lacking energy. It’s hard to care for others when you can barely manage caring for yourself.
Questions I have been asking myself around friendship during Covid are:
How can I best care for myself so I can then have the capacity to check in on others?
What does checking-in look like? (This can/might be different from friend-to-friend).
What is our friendship agreement? How can we feel supported and cared for by each other?
What are my expectations around this friendship and what does communication look like? What are theirs?
While granting my friends the utmost grace and best intentions during a (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime pandemic, does this friendship feel reciprocal and nourishing?
I am thinking about these questions a lot more as of late—especially since my breakup last June. I am, again, realizing how important and necessary my friendships are to me. Most of us desire human relationships with each other. Most of us crave loving, trusting, and supportive people to be in our lives; to help walk us through life. We can’t have this if we’re unwilling to commit to friendship maintenance. And we can’t commit to friendship maintenance without committing to maintenance of ourselves.
Tell me below how the pandemic has influenced (or not) your friendships/relationships. I would love to hear from you.
Friendships are so fluid so it's hard to detect their actual state I guess. As I'm living abroad, I've been very used to keeping in touch with people online, so for the most part those friendships stayed more or less the same. I actually found new friends online, lost some acquaintances but generally I feel that after 2-3 years the fluctuation is more or less the same. I try to keep a "no hard feelings" policy for friends I haven't heard much from throughout the pandemic. It's the core friends, the 2-3 people I am closest with where I draw the line: if I feel it's not reciprocal I'll talk to them and if it doesn't change after a while, I'll reevaluate that friendship. We all change and that's okay and if I feel that friendship needs a "new label" I'm happy to write it. There's so many cool people out there and I'd like to think that we all deserve good, supportive ones around us.
Whew, I really appreciate this one, it's making me feel a lot less alone. I moved cities during the pandemic which meant a friendship circle shift, AND I went through a breakup. The breakup even more than the pandemic caused me to lose friends (my ex is apparently more likable and easier to be friends with, whereas I was a depressed mess. woof!). it's been sooo painful. of course it makes me absolutely cherish my friends who have stuck by me with compassion and without judgment. thanks for this reflection. solidarity with everyone struggling! <3