Dear Readers,
I’ve been working with a somatic therapist for nearly a year. I started shortly after my last breakup. I felt that therapy (at least of the CBT variety) completely fucked me over. As a multiple trauma survivor, I needed something different—something that paid specific attention to the body. That’s where somatics came in.
I’ve learned a lot of cool things in doing this type of therapy, and just this week, I learned more (and talked more) about the disdain I have for my hyper-vigilance. My therapist reminded me that my hyper-vigilance is there to protect me; mine is just a bit over-correcting. I have lived the majority of my life in this state of anticipatory grief/fear/anxiety. I truly do not remember a time that I didn’t.
I am trying to understand this part of me—this part that has a protective forcefield so strong that it often immobilizes me.
This past week, my therapist posed the question: “Have you felt any pleasurable sensations in the last few days?” This exercise is new to me. I am so used to (and comfortable with) naming the un-pleasurable sensations that I feel and notice daily; the sensations that lift me out of any potential good or neutral feelings. I am always on guard. My brain thinks that if I stay hyper-vigilant all the time (or as often as I possibly can) then nothing bad will happen to me. I know this doesn’t work, but I also know this part of me so fiercely wants to protect me. This part of me thinks that I could have side-stepped the medical trauma back when I was 17 if only I hadn’t let my guard down and gotten sick. This part of me thinks if I could have not been in certain situations that I wouldn’t have been raped. This part of me is victim-blamey, but/and/also it’s coming from a place of deep love and deep terror.
The truth is: there is no way to avoid getting hurt in this life. There are things I can do to lessen the risk, but there is nothing I can do to fully stop harmful things from happening to me.
My therapist advised that in moments of hyper-vigilance (whenever possible) that I ask it gently to step back. This way, she said, I can have a better look at it. When something is too close to us, it can be hard to meet and see it. If I ask my hyper-vigilance to give me a little space, I can better see it for what it is and what it’s trying to do.
I want to befriend this part of me; the part that is so fierce and feral and protective. She is a portal of care. She is spell work. She is love.
What is so difficult for me is that it’s not just experiences or events that I remain hyper-vigilant about; it’s the sensations of my own body even when completely alone. Feeling hyper-vigilant and afraid of oneself is a tiresome and distressing way to live.
I have fantasized about waking up one day and no longer having the heaviness of this hyper-vigilance; no longer feeling trapped and scared in my own body. But I know that if it were to completely disappear, that would feel worse. So, my plan is to slowly chip away at it; slowly let my guard down; slowly accept how much it loves me and wants me to live.
May I someday live with guards that come down once in a while.
May I someday live with ease.
May I someday lean into the hyper-vigilance portal and feel all the love that lives there.
🎉 Mood Board for the Week
My fam is visiting!!!
I made a version of Taco Bell’s infamous Mexican Pizza from here (it’s SO GOOD!)
Reckoning with the racist legacy of Wisconsin’s conservation heroes
Heavenly Bodies. Heavenly Beauty. -
Learning How to Ask for Help -
Revisiting this song that I listened to a lot in my 20s while living in Chicago
Pushing back on the “sometimes you’re the toxic one” quote I see everywhere (don’t worry: I’m writing something about this!)
So excited for the new Zelda!
Less and less time on Instagram
All of you who subscribe to my writing. Sending so much love!
✨Reminders✨
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