I'm a shapeshifter & I'm uncertain of my current shape

On writing and jealousy in the attention economy

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I don’t feel like writing this week. Sometimes this space feels like Instagram—especially with the “notes” and “chat” sections, which I hardly ever use. My goal here, in this space, is to be away from social media. My goal is to get paid for my writing.

This goal is a goal for many and often I think, “Who am I to want such a thing?” There are, no doubt, better writers out there. There are people who say things in ways I could never dream of. I have my brain and they have theirs and this is something I’ve had to remind myself over and over again (especially as someone with a “bad brain”).

I am jealous of other writers. I am jealous of the acclaim they receive. I am jealous because it feels like I have been moving in these spaces for so long with little attention, and yet, I have 239K followers on Instagram, so I do receive attention. I feel ridiculous. Instagram attention is not what I want, but it’s what I have.

I don’t write for the potential of awards or attention, but since it’s something beyond a hobby—something I’m trying to earn money for—it gets complicated. I don’t want to work in an office for the rest of my life. I don’t want a typical “9-5” for the rest of my life. I want something I can control—at least, more so than what I have now.

I’m relying on strangers who can spare $5/month to “save” me from office work culture. I’m sorry to put that burden on you. It’s the truth, though.

I think a lot, but what I actually do is ruminate, and lately, I’m ruminating on how I can best be of service to others and not lose myself. Not being seen has been a big part of my life. Being misunderstood has been equally consistent. I sway between high self-confidence and worthlessness and my writing reflects this. I’m sure of myself, but I’m unsure of others. Though I’ve been writing for decades, I’m still trying to find my voice. Or, maybe, it’s that I’m getting used to my voice changing over the years. Like my writing, my Instagram is niche-less. I don’t post about any one thing.

I’m trying to stay true to myself, but that can be difficult when it feels like I’m constantly moving—caught up in the attention economy and hustle culture. There is never enough time.

I am a shapeshifter and I am uncertain of my current shape.

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2. The History We Write Today: Biden as a Purveyor of Genocide - Kelly Hayes

3. WATER IS A PORTAL TO GRIEF -

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4. Will Heat Waves Become a Voting Issue? - Heather Souvaine Horn

5. The Real Targets of Project 2025’s War on Porn - Melissa Gira Grant

6. We Must Fight Repression With Solidarity—Not by Replicating Carceral Logic - Dean Spade

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8. Silvia Federici on refusal, care work and choice - Verónica Gago

9. American Bimbo - Edited by Emmeline Clein

10. Been listening to a lot of Chappell Roan: