Life Doesn't Have an "Easy" Mode

On sensations and feelings when you have Somatic Symptom Disorder

by Aykut Aydogdu

I love videogames. I love the little worlds I find in them. I play them for the stories (mostly), so I always make sure the difficulty setting is on “Easy.” I don’t care for combat in videogame world or the real world. I often feel like my actual life never switches off of “Hard” mode.

After my first mental breakdown (age 17, bullied, illness, etc), I started to notice sensations in a way I hadn’t before. I was hyper-aware of everything happening in my mind and body. It didn’t feel good. Each sensation felt intrusive. Had I always felt these sensations? Was I just noticing them now because of trauma? The Zoloft muted them. I was grateful, but I didn’t know I’d be paying a hefty price.

Since I’ve been on Zoloft for over two decades (and mostly the same amount—100 mg), I’ve only begun to feel in the last six years (as I believe the efficacy has worn off). Because I started taking it as a teenager, I believe it blocked my natural capacity to feel. Now that I’m 38, I’m learning how to feel sensations without being flooded.

I do have Somatic Symptom Disorder, but would I have had that if I wasn’t traumatized? I’ll never know. I can’t think about that for too long.

I’ll list some things I feel and notice that overwhelm me, but are essentially “normal” and probably feel “normal” to others: