My Mental Illness Isn't a "Success" Story
I've been on medication since I was 17. I'm now 37. I've never been off of Zoloft as an adult, but does it matter?
I've been on medication since I was 17. I'm now 37. I've never been off of Zoloft as an adult, but does it matter?
I was put on Zoloft. I say this, not because I was forced, but I also did not have a choice. My choice was to live or die. I resent the way some people talk about how they choose not to get on antidepressants, because it’s not really a choice for those of us who are on them. Nobody really wants to be on them—it’s typically a last resort. So, if you are able to “opt out” of it, then you’re not in a life or death situation.
My three best friends ostracized me from their group. The entire thing came out of nowhere. This was the catalyst for my being medicated and in therapy. I woke up one Sunday morning and checked my Hotmail account on my mom’s shitty Dell computer. I noticed I had received four emails: one from each friend telling me how terrible I was and one email from all of them. The email from all of them started with, “Hello Merry Sunshine, how’s the queen of the bitches been doing?” I laughed thinking it was a joke. Reader, it was not.
They had apparently bonded over their growing hatred of me at a party the night before—a party I opted out of. I used to wonder, would this have happened if I had just gone to that damn party? In their emails to me, they told me not to sit with them at lunch anymore. Not one to break rules (or burden anyone), I started eating lunch in the girls' gym locker room. I had my first experience with depression during this time, and my ever-present anxiety increased. I became agoraphobic. I felt like I would pass out anytime I walked through the doors of my high school. I also got physically ill, dealt with an eating disorder, and was then out of school for four months.
My doctor put me on too high of a dose of Zoloft initially, and all I could do was sleep. I enjoyed it though. It gave my brain a rest. I was more happy being asleep than awake at the time. The Zoloft initially made me forget what I was worried about. I remember thinking: "Wait, I was worried about something... what was it?" Granted, this was just the “honeymoon” period, and my anxieties did return, but they were quieter. I was able to go back to school. I was able to live again. I was able to enjoy being awake.
I'm tired of this idea that I may be a totally different person off of my medication. Maybe that's true for some medications and for some people, but I feel very much like myself. I feel very much like who I was before the medication. But even if I didn't, even if I felt different, would that be so terrible?
I'm tired of reading or hearing about “success” stories from people who no longer need their medication; how they are now “cured,” how “different” they are off their meds. Is my life not a “success” story because I still take medication daily? Am I more of a “failure” than these other people because I continue to take Zoloft?
What's wrong with still being on this medication that has helped me immensely? Why does society teach that I need to get off of it in order to be a success? I have a chemical imbalance, I have copious amounts of trauma, I am neurodivergent. All of these make it difficult to live in this world.
I’m still alive so I'd say I'm a goddamn success.
🎉 Things of the Week
This book that I got gifted from Feminist Book Club
My short reel on ventral bookending was written about here
Voucher Schemes Are Failing Students with Disabilities (perhaps I’ll write more about my experience in “Special Ed”
I got a “walking pad” for Christmas that fits under my standing desk at home and it’s amazing, but my Apple watch wasn’t picking up my steps/exercise. Found out that you need to put it on “Indoor Cycle” instead of “Indoor Walk” for anyone else who needs this unnecessary info!
You all being here. My subscriber list has grown a lot and I’m so grateful to all of you!
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I'd like to challenge the idea that "society teaches" one can't be on antidepressants. Something like 15% of people in the US take antidepressants for a variety of reasons. The issue I have is the majority of people taking them who rely solely on them without recognizing that they treat only the physical symptoms. Talk therapy helps reshape and change thinking. For some, that is indeed a path to coming off of them, but for others that may be a a lifelong process.
I personally dislike how I feel while on antidepressants because I feel disconnected from my own body, but definitely have found them helpful.
From what I can gather, you ARE a goddamn success!
And an inspiration.
Many of us were socialized to believe being on meds = bad/not normal. But the more we share success stories like yours, the more normalized they become.