Pacing Book Writing

my book is not all about trauma, but so much of it is and knowing that this is such an enormous part of my story feels a bit awful

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art by Mar Hernández (Malota)

I’ve written 40,000 words for my book.

I started this project in 2015, so it’s not like I didn’t have anything to start with. I’m in the phase of book writing where all I want to do is work on my book. You might think, “That’s great!” But seeing all of the trauma of my life splayed out is feeling intense and sad. The book is not all about trauma, but so much of it is and knowing that trauma (big T and little t) is such an enormous part of my story feels a bit awful.

My therapist recently reminded me about pacing. I’ve never been good at pacing myself with anything. I’m either very much in the weeds of something and want to continue the flow of that or I just want to get it over with. I don’t have a middle ground. I’m trying to do this differently.

Things I’m doing to help myself pace this work include:

• taking mini dance breaks

• laughing at TikTok videos

• getting outside and being in nature

• reading fiction

• writing poetry (I’m also trying to publish a book of poems this year)

I’m reading a lot of memoir & autotheory right now, since that’s what I’m writing. I find myself thinking about the publication of my book and if anyone will buy it. I don’t need or want to be thinking about this. I’m afraid of it being a massive flop. I’m afraid of reviewers dissecting my trauma under a microscope or being told that I used theory incorrectly.

I’m writing about things that have happened to me (and the real people who did them) and I’m not getting their permission to do so. I’m obviously not naming names, but I’m still in thought about the ethics of that. However, I’m not going to reach out to those who have maimed me to ask if it’s okay if I write about them (and what they did to me). I’m not going to look up my high school bullies. I’m not going to search for any of the four men who raped me. I’m not going to contact exes, especially when they treated me so horribly at the end.

The book is not all about these things, but they are integral to my life’s story and to the book’s story. They are integral to my activism, my values, and my goal of liberation. Searching for and finding belonging in a variety of online spaces for a variety of things has been something I’ve done since I’ve had the internet. It has mostly worked out in my favor, but there have been definite hiccups and a lot of turmoil along the way.

I think of the internet as my online playground. It can be messy, loud, and crowded. It can also feel like a peaceful cottage in the woods, depending on the spaces (and people) you find. I’m trying to write about and hold the both/and of this. I think I can do it.

Dearest Reader, if you have advice on memoir writing and pacing, please drop it below in the comments or email me! I would love to hear from you.

1. Men, bears, and men who wish they were bears -

   The Feral Stack

2. There Are So Many Ways To Have Children In Your Life - Kim France

3. Harrison Butker and what men fear -

   New Means

4. The Feminist Roots of the Chinese Qipao - Xintian Wang

5. On Zionism -

   How To Cure A Ghost

6. An exhaustively researched compilation of the greatest black erotic thrillers ever made, i.e. the reason i still pay full price for a subscription to starz! -

   samantha irby

7. Beyond Analogy: Fascism and the Morbid Symptoms of the Moment - Kelly Hayes

8. Being in the world even it’s an impossible place -

   Sensory and Sensibility

9. Survey Responses: Disinformation: We asked Librarian and Archivists with Palestine members their thoughts on disinformation and misinformation as it relates to the genocide in Gaza. Many have chosen to stay anonymous to protect their identities. Here’s what they have to say. - UpRoot

10. this cover of “Dirty Work” from King Princess:

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