Sometimes the only thing I look forward to is my morning coffee

and that’s ok.

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I have had this saved on my phone for years. Kathleen Hanna 4 ever.

The week has been, well, very shitty. I thought I would do a “listicle” of things that happened this week/things I liked/things I disliked/hard things/good things/all the things:

• I started taking Berberine on Sunday for PCOS stuff and just like I knew might happen, my tummy was unhappy. I took it again on Monday, same thing. I’m now supposed to take it every other day to try to get my system used to it. Here’s hoping.

• Katy Perry went to space and I didn’t like it. Other women went with her. Two of the five were actual astronauts, but fuck everyone else. Choice quote from KP: “It won't be about me; it will be about this beautiful Earth. I think from up there, we will think, ‘Oh my God, we have to protect our mother.’” Ah yes, let’s take an 11-minute ride for funzies and fuck up the environment more! Also, Gayle King’s “Let them eat cake” moment here is… bad: “My question is, ‘Have y’all been to space?’” She also talked about how great Jeff Bezos is and that Blue Origin is trying to find “a way to harness the waste here and figure out a way to put it in space to make planet Earth a better place.” Oh, cool, let’s throw all our trash in space. GREAT PLAN.

• I posted about my hatred of Katy Perry on Instagram, and surprisingly, there were some folks who follow me who immediately came to her defense. Some was very sarcastic in the comments, I said something, and then they Dm’d me: “I guess the saying is right, don’t meet your heroes.” Something I would love is if people stopped creating parasocial relationships with me. That would be swell.

• As someone who has a 9-5 in academia… ACADEMIA IS NOT OK.

• I worked for hours early this week to make various forms for my death doula practice. It had to be done, but it was not my favorite.

• Sometimes the only thing I look forward to is my morning coffee and that’s ok.

• Sometimes I look at cities abroad on Google Maps, click on “Street View” and pretend I’m walking down the streets.

• I feel a bit sad about my book release. It was fine. It just wasn’t very loud. Would I have wanted that? Probably not. It feels a bit like I sent the book out to a void. I want do events. I don’t want to do events. I want people to read it. I’m scared of people reading it. Ah, memoirs.

• There is so much atrocity happening in the world, in Gaza, here in the U.S. and I’m struggling continuing to go to work and do my dumb little job.

• I’ve cried a lot this week—not totally abnormal for me. Yesterday, I convulsively cried driving home from work listening to Electrelane’s, “To The East.” For most of my life, I’ve thought I felt “too much.” But I actually think I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to deal with the sensations of feelings, if that makes sense. I have sensation anxiety. Sensation overload. Sensory Processing Disorder is a real bitch.

• More often than not these days, I wish I didn’t have any sensations. Or, actually, maybe I just don’t want to notice every single sensation in my body at all times.

• Sometimes I want more friends. Sometimes I don’t. What would that look like? I don’t trust people or their intentions with me. I am always wondering if someone truly likes me or if they just want something from me and will leave once they retrieve it.

• Fuck ICE. Fuck Cops. Fuck prisons.

• Sometimes I think I have another book in me. Other times I don’t. Whatever happens is fine with me. I got the one out that I needed to. I’m still working on a second book of poems, though.

• I desire so deeply to be my own boss. I desire so deeply to work for myself.

• I have been angry at my body my entire life, but maybe I should have been angry at my brain.

• Things with my family are not great right now and that’s difficult.

• I can lift heavy weights and that brings me joy.

• Summer is coming and that always feels like a threat to me.

• My therapist helped me create a visualization of safety. What I imagined was a snowfall wall of protection.

1. What a 19th-Century Photograph Reveals About Power, Privilege and Violence in the American West - Martha A. Sandweiss

2. Hags, seductresses, feminist icons – how gender dynamics manifest in witches - Ruth Hibbard and Lydia Caston

3. False Nonviolence Won't Save You -

   Birds Before the Storm

4. A timely book of poetry chronicles a mother — and her daughters’ — experience with Long COVID - Sick Times

5. An Obama-era border policy paved the way for Trump’s asylum shutdown - Kate Morrissey

6. Anti-Trans Ruling in UK Strips Protections From Trans Women - Zane McNeill

7. COVID-19 Showed Who Really Owns Public Spaces. It’s Not the Public - Anna Kramer

8. The limits of fashion and symbolic gestures as political tools -

   Ridiculous Little Things

9. Kathleen Hanna
   has a substack and I immediately subscribed.

10. coming back to this classic: