Struggling & Writing Anyways
imposter syndrome! jealousy! competitiveness!
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Writing this newsletter while also writing a book has been difficult. It doesn’t help that I’m struggling with some serious imposter syndrome, jealousy, and competitiveness. I’m not this person! And yet, no, actually, I’m exactly this person.
The book I’m writing is making me sick, possibly literally, but I mostly mean figuratively. I’m at the stage where I want to be done with it. I want to move on. I’m nearly done, but it feels like it’s dragging—the process of book writing. I wanted the book to be about 200 pages cover-to-cover, but I’m not sure it will be. My dyscalculia makes numbers mean nothing to me, and yet, I feel wrapped up in hitting 200 pages. My actual book document is over 200 pages, but it’s double-spaced, so it doesn’t count. I have to laugh at my brain.
I’m also struggling with my “9-5” job. I’m realizing that I’m not extroverted nor neurotypical enough for what people seem to want. I probably need to work for myself, but I’m not a business so that can’t happen. I like being with people, but only on my terms. I want to be able to be myself fully.
I just feel incredibly overwhelmed these days.
Truthfully, these last two years have been some of the hardest years of my life. Some very good things have happened, but I’ve also been in a deep process of healing various shit, and confronting this shit has been difficult, uncomfortable, and maddening. Writing this book, which has a lot of my trauma in its pages, has been shocking to my nervous system. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to start something new.
My goal with this project is to say everything I possibly can about the subjects, but I know I’ll inevitably leave things out, and I have to be okay with that. I could continue editing this book forever, but it would then never get published. I’m trying to feel okay with forgetting things, leaving things unfinished, and knowing I’ve done the best I can. I hope when this book is published that I feel good about myself, my work, and the life I’ve lived up until this point.
Only time will tell.
Noguchi Museum Staff Walk Out in Protest of Keffiyeh Ban - Valentina Di Liscia
The Joys and Fears of Trans Motherhood - Gabrielle Bellot
How The Jewish Labor Bund Organized - Molly Crabapple
These are the drag artists and organizers fighting to make queer spaces more COVID safe - Miles W. Griffis
Exploring the correspondence of June Jordan and Audre Lorde, Marina Magloire assembles an archive of a Black feminist falling-out over Zionism. - Marina Magloire
The Minnesota Model Is Transforming Organizing as We Know It - Sarah Jaffe
Why Self-Love Is So Hard To Achieve -
Fear as a Game: What Can The Philosophy Of Games Tell Us About Our Odd Impulse To Scare Ourselves? - Elisa Gabbert
Diggin’ this track:
Just a small note that the weaving is by Gunta Stölzl and not Anni Albers ♥️
I am at the very beginning of writing my memoir, and I’m already feeling the triggers so I can’t even imagine how it must be for you! Sending you love and best wishes for getting this baby done 💜