✨Reminders✨
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I have deep-seated “11” lines in the center of my forehead. They are almost an exact replica of my dad’s. These lines carry a lineage. These lines have been there for a while now, but I’ve been noticing them more. They’ve been bothering me more.
As an aging millennial, I’ve been thinking a lot about faces. I am someone who has not had cosmetic work done (at this point), and I’m beginning to feel like an outlier. I’m questioning my face’s imperfections each time I see someone’s pore-less, zit-less, wrinkle-less skin. I’m feeling society’s collective sense of urgency that I, as an aging woman, should hurry up and figure out what to do about my godforsaken aging face.
The sense of urgency is hard to quiet some days. I want to look and feel my best AND I want to resist using anything that says “anti-aging.” A big problem with this is that so much is sold to us that is “anti-aging,” even if you don’t want that. Also, we all think we look a certain way, but we don’t see ourselves the way others do. Watching yourself age, while an enormous privilege, can feel disorienting. I look in the mirror and I still recognize the person I see, but I linger on things I once didn’t notice—if they were even there at all.
I have a skincare routine. I wear makeup. I like these things. I appreciate the ritual in them. However, I know that I am supporting multi-billion dollar industries that are encouraging me to attempt to look a certain way (and stay looking that exact way until I die). I am clearly not immune to “face-shifting.” I grew up with acne and had a lot of shame around it. Most of my acne woes have calmed down, but I still use plenty of stuff on my face to keep the tiny volcanoes at bay. I also use plenty of “anti-aging” products to coax my skin into thinking it is not 37-years-old.
I am not anti- or pro-cosmetic procedures. I sit somewhere in the grey space. I can see the both/and. I can see that it’s problematic to turn yourself into a non-aging entity. I can also see how doing that can make a person feel better about themselves, though. I can see it all. And who is it really hurting?
My truth is this: in some ways, I wish I could get cosmetic work done. I wish I could get Botox and/or filler. I can’t because of money, and the possibility of fainting doesn’t help either. However, I also don’t want to do these things, because I don’t want to resist the aging process. I also don’t want to deal with the upkeep. I’m struggling with this, because I feel some resentment in the fact that so many people my age are getting work done, and yet, I’m supposed to just… age. We could say this is jealousy, but it feels deeper than that. It feels like grief. It feels like a loss of camaraderie or solidarity. It’s hard to feel like you’re out here aging alone.
In the same breath, I understand that people getting cosmetic work does not negate my own beauty, nor does it actually stop the aging process for anyone.
Something I often hear people say is they want to get work done so they can continue to look like themselves. While I understand the sentiment, none of us can stay looking the same forever—and why would we want to? We will never be able to be who we once were. We should stop trying to get back to that place. Each line, each wrinkle is visual proof of life. Not to get all philosophical, but we are more our insides than our outsides. Both grow and change, of course, but the outside is drag, performance, art. This is fun to play with, but to what extent?
Would we see wrinkles, lines, texture, pores, acne, volume-loss as “bad” if it wasn’t shoved down our throats that we need to change it or stop it from happening?
What would our world look like without the pressure to stay and look young forever?
What would our world look like if we accepted aging in ourselves and each other?
What would our world look like if wrinkles were just wrinkles; neither bad nor good?
This leads me to another part of this conversation that I can’t stand. I think the “aging gracefully” crowd leaves a lot to be desired. What does aging “gracefully” actually mean? “Graceful” assumes “good,” but why must we place any morality on aging? People will age differently based on many factors. If anything, aging feels hardcore: dirty, messy; not lithe or timid. I reject the “aging gracefully” nonsense as much as I reject the “anti-aging” nonsense.
Since I’m in my late 30s and I’m single, I struggle with reconciling my desire to look “beautiful” to others. Everywhere I look I’m reminded that I do, indeed, look my age. This isn’t bad, of course, but it sometimes makes me feel a sense of urgency to find a partner before it’s “too late”; before I’m “too old.” The media does not respond to aging men in this way. Aging men have a safety that aging women don’t. Men, in general, have a safety that women don’t.
I want to divest from anti-aging. I really do. But some days it’s just too hard to go there. It’s too brutal to feel so alone in that fight. So I go about my business—doing my little skincare routine, putting on some makeup, looking in the mirror wondering when I might not recognize the woman I see.
***Shoutout to for changing so much of how I think about all things beauty and aging. Subscribe to her newsletter,
***🎉 Mood Board for the Week
Barbie Has Cellulite (But You Don't Have To) -
Rebuilding a Life After Years in a Cage - Jessica Phoenix Sylvia
What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was At The Center of Life? - Rhaina Cohen
We have a right to be in need. And we have a responsibility to care about each other’s needs. - Natalie Adler
Sinéad O’Connor and the vulnerability industry -
You're definitely not alone. 💚 I recently opened up on my FB about my peri-menopausal weight gain and how it feels like the rules of how my body works re: food, weight, calories, etc have changed overnight. A lot of my friends are a similar age and going through similar things it turns out. So, aging can't be stopped, but doing it in isolation is optional!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this ♥️ I heavily relate, and though I'm still in my 20s, I wonder what I will look like in 10, 15, 20 + years, and whether I actually care or not. I have 2 skincare products and like 5 makeup products and I just can't be bothered to invest any more time/money into those areas. I absolutely do not judge anyone who does!!! But I just appreciate you opening up the conversation to ponder these things. I feel like an outlier even though I am happy with myself. It's a strange feeling.