I have been on and off dating apps since I was 22. I initially got on them when I moved to Chicago for my first grad school. I didn’t know many people, and thought it would be fun to try online dating, which was still fairly new at the time. I didn’t have a smart phone and there weren’t apps yet, so I joined OkCupid via their website.
The years I lived in Chicago—4 total—are filled with countless first (and last) dates, disappointing hookups, and situations that I’m thankful I got out of alive. This is not hyperbole—I dated, unbeknownst to me at the time—some very unsafe and scary people. I would often have at least two dates each weekend. I would get a free meal out of it at the very least. I heavily believed in a dreamy love that felt so close yet so far out of reach.
I’m back on the dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge), and I want to gauge my eyes out. I look at all genders and to no one’s surprise, it’s the straight white men who have the scariest profiles. They have one of four kinds of pictures: 1) a terrible selfie, 2) a shirtless pic, 3) a pic with dead animals, and/or 4) a pic with them and their gun. It’s bleak out there, y’all.
All of this makes me miss my last longterm relationship even more. I understand more and more why people settle for the bullshit they currently have, because it might be a sliver better than having to be on these horrendous apps. To say I am digitally let down by it all is the least of it.
Dating apps have increased our convenience to each other, but they have also increased our screen time. You could spend several minutes, and even hours, on a dating app if you really wanted to. You are beholden to a tiny screen playing a tiny game, swiping left or right. You match with someone and most of the time nobody sends a message. See, that’s too much effort. You got a match so you won, right? That’s the game. I will sometimes send a message to a person I match with only to be met with no response or the conversation dies a quick death. I am tired of making the first move. I am tired of being the initiator in all things. Looking through dating apps is a dizzying experience where everyone’s photo blurs into one.
The older I get, the higher my standards, and I’m grateful for that. But this also means, there are fewer and fewer people available to me. It’s still frustrating to see how well dating apps have worked out for others. It has taken so much of my energy to mute the voice deep inside that says something is wrong with me. At my big age, I have enough wisdom and experience to know this is untrue, but that voice still creeps in sometimes.
How does anyone date anymore? How does anyone find anyone anymore? My social activity tolerance has drastically lowered since the pandemic began. I’m mostly fine with that, but it makes it harder to meet people. I’m not convinced that anyone else knows how to be social anymore either, though. Some of you are better at faking it. Some of you are lying to yourselves. I can’t do either so I don’t.
I am tired of the gamification of love, of dating, of sex.
I am tired of the gamification of love, of dating, of sex.
I am tired of the gamification of love, of dating, of sex.
What I should do is delete all my dating apps. What I should do is just get off the sickening Tilt-A-Whirl. But there is still this small voice of hope whispering, “wait, wait, wait, what if, what if, what if?”
Hearts are not for playing with, but for holding with an open palm: gentle, relaxed, free.
🎉 Mood Board for the Week
Rainy grey days
Copious mugs of herbal tea
The Ecstatic Joy of Queer Friendship -
You'd Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Why Don't You? -
Inhumane Dane podcast
Learning about my ancestors
“When I first started working in the beauty industry, I was afraid to wear my nails long,” Tembe Denton-Hurst writes in The Cut
✨Reminders✨
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Thanks for this , the most informative dogs in the game i have heard todate about dating apps i have thought i might spite my self by joining. I am a peasant I can maybe use my hard drinking ways to join at the hip. I believe what Alain Bouton says as do we all you join up with wrong people might be where you can persist for a human life.
I’m 8 years out of the loop, but I remember OKCupid being the only one that sort of had substance. I think they incorporated a lot of Tinder-y things though to keep up. But it was definitely the type of place where you had to write people something thoughtful, and show interest in what they’d said in their profiles. I’m old. Haha