The Importance of Dependence

relearning how to depend on each other

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Dearest Readers, this week I’ve been thinking a lot about dependency. I had a migraine last week, and felt fairly unwell and hungover for the four days afterwards. I noticed the pressure I put on myself to be “well,” to do things, to not disappoint people (loved ones and those I work with), to not ask for help. None of these things helped me feel better.

In Johanna Hedva’s new book, How to Tell When We Will Die: On Pain, Disability, and Doom, they write:

Becoming disabled, for me, was an education in many things, but sometimes I think it was elementally about relearning how to understand dependency, and how disability makes it impossible to ignore that we are ontologically dependent, knotted into each other and everything.

This quote from Hedva’s book had me reflecting back to being diagnosed with two learning disabilities in third grade. Though I was emotionally neglected by my mother and her partner and parentified by my father during this time, I still very much depended on them. I also depended on my teachers. This isn’t bad, but it was problematic for me considering teachers were my first bullies.

I kept receiving mixed messages about being dependent or independent. I was told by teachers to ask questions so I could better understand what I was being taught. But when I would ask questions I was told, “You didn’t listen. So you have to figure it out on your own.”

At home, my dad further instilled in me a brazen independence. He worked for the state at the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation, which was all about getting disabled people jobs. He did good work, but as I hope many of my readers here know and understand—the state, the government, etc are systems of power and they rarely help those who need it. My dad wanted me to be independent, was probably concerned about my future, and would impress upon me the importance of advocating for myself. Not to mention, I was growing up in a hyper-individualized nation where any sign of dependence was squashed.

I tried really hard to comply with teachers’ demands of me. I tried really hard to be “good” and gracious for their crumbs of help. I stopped asking questions. I stopped talking in class. I was more quiet at home. I could see that being dependent on my teachers, my peers, and even sometimes my parents didn’t get me what I needed.

My desire to be fiercely independent led me bottle up emotions and only share half of my feelings with partners and friends. I cry a lot in front of loved ones, but sometimes these tears come because I don’t allow myself to let everything out.

This is why anytime I get sick, have a migraine flare, or other health issue, I internally freak out. I will attempt to hide and constrict this inner turmoil from those closest to me. I’ve been in therapy long enough to know that this is a trauma response. My parents divorced when I was four and my three best friends bullied me and then ostracized me when I was seventeen. I’m afraid of people leaving my life when things get hard. I’m afraid they can’t handle it, and I don’t want to be a bother. Meanwhile, I will practically make myself sick with empathy for those nearest and dearest to me and never do I leave them (even if I should).

The migraine meant I couldn’t work much. I felt guilty and bad about that. I felt mad at myself that I got a migraine. I felt this way because, as Hedva writes, “my body disrupted my labor’s continuity…” It disrupted my participation in capitalism. When I think of it that way, it doesn’t seem bad at all. It seems perfect, actually.

So much of my life has been about feeling bad that I don’t fit in, can’t think the same as others, and have immeasurable amounts of ✨trauma✨ that renders me incapacitated at times. All of this is really about my intense desire to never rely on anyone but myself. All of this comes down to pushing myself so damn hard to fit in a society that espouses: “Only care about yourself, but not too much, and never care about others!” The resistance to dependence, to asking for help, to leaning on others is what keeps me stuck in the loop of hyper-individualism and capitalism.

We all have a right to dependency. We all have a right to need others’ help. We have a right to know that having a body and living in this world means we are inherently dependent on each other. Our personal need for dependence might wax and wane, but if we don’t lean into it when we need it—if we don’t relearn it, as Hedva says—then we will continue to struggle isolated and alone. Capitalism wants us this way, but we can resist.

Dependency is needed for liberation. How can you depend on someone today?

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