The Nose Ring of My Discontent

It sounds trivial, but this sent me on a downward spiral

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(Please no medical advice. The piercing is all good now since I changed it back to a stud. And with the fainting, I’ve been diagnosed with vasovagal syncope, a very common thing. No, I don’t have POTS).

[CN: mention of sexual assault]

via

I have been in the throes of distress for the last couple of weeks. It started with an issue with my nose piercing, but it was about much more. So much more.

Two and a half weeks ago, I changed out my nose stud for a ring. I’ve had this piercing for over fifteen years. I didn’t think anything of it. I had no clue that switching to a ring was problematic for a lot of people. Suffice it to say, my nose was angry.

It sounds trivial, but this sent me on a downward spiral. My neurodivergency does not like when things are abnormal from my baseline. My neurodivergency loves hyper-fixating on things thinking it can find something to control.

I have a very difficult time with anything on my body that is irritated, upset, or different from what I’m used to. I have a very difficult time knowing I’m okay, or knowing that I will be okay.

The nose ring issue brought up flashbacks from trauma decades ago, specifically trauma around piercings, tattoos, fainting, and sexual assault.

I got my earlobes pierced at age seven at a kiosk in the mall. It hurt and I passed out—something I now know my body does when it’s in pain, around needles/blood, or when feeling overheated. Then, one day at school, I could feel something wrong with one of my earrings. It started to bleed. The stud that was put in my ear was too small and the front of the earring went through my ear. My mom had to come to school and push it out of my ear. I slumped to the floor in the bathroom—my body letting go and giving way to release.

A few years later, when I was ready to get re-pierced, I did. This time, at Claire’s (I know, I know—piercing guns are awful, but I was a child). I didn’t pass out this time.

When I was thirteen, I attempted to get my earlobes double-pierced. It was all the rage and I wanted in. My mom took me to the piercing shop. I passed out in the lobby while looking at the jewelry and hearing the sounds of screamy boy music and tattoo guns. I did not get my earlobes double-pierced. I’m happy about that now.

At eighteen, I got my first tattoo. A very small one on my upper left shoulder that reads, “LHW” (Lachrista Has Wings, a copy of one that Fiona Apple has). I passed out in the first few minutes of that tattoo. I came to and the guy finished it. After that, the next ten tattoos I got I made sure to lay down.

I got my eyebrow pierced when I was seventeen and didn’t pass out. I got my nose pierced at twenty and didn’t pass out. It seemed that my body would pass out the first time I did something like a piercing or tattoo, but then it realized it was okay and didn’t need to shut down.

The trauma of the recent nose ring situation was not a trauma about the nose ring. It was a call back to all this past trauma of fainting. I was terrified of having to go get the ring switched out at the piercing shop, because I was worried I would pass out. Even though I have fainted often in my life (for very specific reasons), I have never gotten used to it.

The fear of it happening is far worse than the actual fainting. The complete loss of control is difficult—especially when I’m in public or around people I don’t know well. As a multiple-time sexual assault survivor, things have been done to me while I’ve been unconscious, and the prospect of fainting brings this violence to the surface. My body worries, “Who will touch me? What if someone does something to me when I’m passed out again?” I am unable to take care of myself in those moments, and if in public, I am in the complete hands of strangers or people I don’t necessarily trust.

I am often nervous around men for this reason, specifically men I don’t know. Because there are still more men piercers than women, the prospect of having to go get my nose ring dealt with was agonizing.

In the end, I did have to go to the piercing shop and I chose a very gorgeous warm sparkling stud. The man who helped switch the piercing was extremely kind and gentle with me, and I didn’t pass out or even feel woozy.

I am healing backwards and forwards.

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