This week's Rage & Softness

here’s what made me rage and what kept me soft this past week

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Dearest Readers,

I had to table for an event the other day for my 9-5 and it reminded me how much I detest forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do. This is, of course, a big a part of work life for many of us. I find myself continuing to try (really damn hard) to be neurotypical, especially in work spaces, and it’s unhealthy for me.

I stood in this atrium with hundreds of people—the only one wearing a mask—feeling uncomfortably hot, anxious, and irritated. I had to leave twice to get some fresh air. Overheating is one of my vasovagal triggers. In 2019, right before the pandemic hit, I passed out in front of at least 100 work colleagues because we were in too small of a room and I overheated. They called an ambulance. It was a whole thing. It was traumatizing. Ever since then, I have an even harder time forcing myself to be in crowds, smalls rooms with a lot of people, or anywhere that feels warm.

I was not the only person who noticed how hot the room was at this recent work event—not that this matters, but it did make me feel a bit better. I stuck it out and it felt terrible. The rest of the day I had to tend to my nervous system and essentially “recover” from the hour and a half experience. I only went to this event because my boss had essentially told me to. I won’t be doin this again and if I have to get a medical accommodation, then I will do so.

People who don’t struggle with sensory issues truly have no idea how horrific it can feel to try to bypass these feelings. I’m tired of trying to fit myself into a shape that I’m not. I’m tired of crying because I’m “not like everyone else” and can’t “do things that everyone else seems to be able to do.”

I don’t dream of labor, but I do dream of being able to make money in an environment that doesn’t force me to do things I don’t want to do. I dream of a work environment that allows me my autonomy. I dream of less stress on my body and mind. Does that exist? Can it exist? Will it ever exist for me?

In the meantime, I’m going to be saying no to these work events, and if I get pushback, I will seek accommodations—even though I really shouldn’t have to.

On we go to the links…