Triggered: A Past & Present Wound

FEAR. Fear. fear.

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Spring has sprung and I am slowly getting over a very bad reaction to the high dosage of vitamin D I was prescribed. You can read more about why I was prescribed it here. After three doses, it made me feel super nauseous, stomach upset, tired, and unable to eat. It was not a fun time and, in fact, it legit triggered me back to the age of 16.

Storytime: when I was 16 my three best friends sent me hate emails that ended with them telling me not to sit with them in the school cafeteria. I spent the remainder of that semester eating lunch in the girls’ gym locker room or empty hallways. Dear reader, I had what I believe to be a breakdown. My first ever breakdown. Going to school became a never-ending nightmare. The second I walked through the doors, I would feel like I was going to pass out. The anxiety got so bad that I had to stop going to school for several months. I then started having stomach issues. I could barely eat and I didn’t know why. Doctors didn’t know what was wrong with me. I went through various medical trauma to find out what was happening to me. Finally, abdominal ultrasound revealed: gas.

Yes, gas. I had too much gas.

I was put on a liquid diet for about a week and I eventually felt better. But as I began introducing solids, I found I had a fear of food. I was afraid it would make me sick like before. I had such anxiety over eating that I barely ate. I was eventually put on Zoloft, initially against my will, but I had hit “rock bottom.” I was resigned to try anything that would make living not hell. The medication (and therapy!) helped a great deal, and food became less scary.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with a fruit intolerance by a naturopathic doctor I was seeing. More stomach issues. More stomach trauma. More body trauma.

Now, in 2022, even more stomach trauma by way of 50000ius of vitamin D.

I recently went back to what Louise Hay says about body ailments; how they can show us what’s happening emotionally as well. Now, this is maybe woo-woo, and I’m not saying I completely subscribe to the idea, but I find it intriguing.

When I look at what my symptoms mean, there seems to be a theme:

• Abdominal Cramps: Fear. Stopping the process.

• Anxiety: Not trusting the flow and the process of life.

• Fainting: Fear. Can’t cope. Blacking out.

• Gas: Gripping. Fear. Undigested ideas.

• Nausea: Fear. Rejecting an idea or experience.

• Stomach: Holds nourishment. Digests ideas. Dread. Fear of the new.

FEAR. Fear. fear.

I don’t generally think of myself as a “fearful” person, but that could also be because I operate at a state of hyper-vigilance and anxiety that has felt comfortable to me since I was a teenager.

It’s amazing how the emotional and physical pain I experienced as a teenager can reappear like a freshly open wound. I don’t believe healing is a destination. I don’t believe we become “healed” from something. Healing is what we do by continuing to live. It’s not a destination; it’s a forever process. And to be human means to feel things over and over again, perhaps as a reminder of impermanence.

And as I continue to untangle myself from this latest pain, this latest trigger, I breathe easy knowing nothing stays. Everything just is.