Twinkle Light Glow of a New Relationship

This is the most relaxed I’ve ever felt at the beginning of a relationship.

Dec 23, 2022

Dear Readers,

I am in the twinkle light glow of a new relationship. I’m trying not to lose myself in the dizzying freckles of this snowfall. This is the most relaxed I’ve ever felt at the beginning of a relationship. I am a different person than I was pre-pandemic. I am a different person than I was last June after my breakup. I am solid, grounded, even-keeled. I am cautious, but letting my heart bloom again.

I intentionally waited to go back on dating apps until just last month. I wanted to take time to grieve my prior relationship; to grieve what I thought I had; to grieve what I thought my life would be; to grieve who I thought was my person. In previous years, after previous breakups, my MO was to get right back on the apps. I wanted to feel anything other than the disorienting and sharp pain of a breakup. This wasn’t fair to those I met on the apps. I was not in any clear headspace to indulge in the scent of a new relationship. As the person who has more often than not been the one who was left, getting back on the apps fed my desire for attention. It fed my insecurity that something was wrong with me—that I was, most unsettlingly, not enough.

So I took six months for myself. I started Somatic Therapy. I went for walks. I cried until I thought I was devoid of tears. I did my morning pages, which sort of became my “mourning” pages. I moved my body. I talked to friends and family. I let others hold my pain with me. I laughed.

For the first time in my life, I stopped worrying so much about making others comfortable. I prioritized myself and my own comfort. I gave myself the love I craved.

And then I met someone on a dating app. We talked for weeks using voice messages and text before ever meeting in person.

To be honest, I did not think something like this would happen the way it did. I did not think it would happen as quickly as it did. Though, I suppose six months post-breakup is not a short amount of time.

It would be easy for me to go back to old patterns and ways. It would be fine for me to do this. But I haven’t. At least not yet. I have remained firm in my boundaries and my expectations. I have asked for what I need. I have been asked for how I would like to be supported—a question no other partner has ever asked me. I now know how much I deserve—how much we all deserve—just because we are here in this lifetime.

There is no fear of being “too much” or “too sensitive.” I’m just me.

I don’t know what the future will bring or take, but I’m trying to lean into this excitement for the time being. I’m trying to not play the “what-if” game. I’m trying to enjoy the journey.

And I know that should I become single again, I can more than handle it. My own company has become my favorite company.

-Lachrista xoxo

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Recs of the Week:

On Jellyfish and the Fear of Touch - Gabrielle Bellot
I love this level of pettiness
On cosmetic procedures and the limits of "destigmatization” - Haley Nahman
“White people’s number one freedom, in the United States of America, is the freedom to be totally ignorant of those who are other than white. We don’t have to learn about those who are other than white. And our number two freedom is the freedom to deny that we’re ignorant.”
The Internet and Me - K Adetoyin (Toyin) Agbebiyi
This article on Santa Lucia, whose feast day is the day after my birthday (Dec. 13)
I binged the second season of The White Lotus and I’m just happy for the sex workers, especially Lucia Greco
This perfectly melancholy Christmas song
The Unquestioning Collapse - Marlee Grace
My mom and I are going to make this yummy dish for Christmas Eve

🎉Bonus: My Top Read Essays from 2022!

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