Working Onsite When You're Neurodivergent
I am back in the office three days a week—not because I want to be
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Wednesday morning started with an almost panic attack. I raced out the door only to be met with several blocks worth of road construction. I then drove over a huge bump, which I felt. My car jerked and I immediately screamed and started crying. The feeling was similar to when someone hit me from behind on that same road several years ago. I cried the rest of my way to work—trying to breathe and not mess up my makeup (if there ever wasn’t a more femme problem). Then, I couldn’t find parking at the lot I typically go to, so I had to drive to a lot that is further away from my office. When I parked, I started shaking to discharge my energy and I let out a scream. This is now my 3-day-a-week commute.
Being back in the office three days a week, though not as terrible as five days a week, is still too much for me. It also doesn’t help that I’m back in the office because I’m forced to be there, not because I want to be. It’s week one and my nervous system is already wanting to collapse.
During the first two years of the pandemic, I was allowed to work fully remote. I was working in a Gender & Women’s Studies library at a university in an administrator role. The university briefly shut down, but then expected staff to still come in (of course). I was able to get a medical accommodation to work fully remote, and I didn’t know how lifesaving/lifechanging that would be for me.
As of last November, I am in a new job—one I really like. I’m an undergraduate advisor for the Gender & Women’s Studies department at a university. I’m able to use both my master’s degrees in GWS and librarianship. Working with students is amazing and inspiring. Being onsite is neither of those things.
Back when I was working fully remote, I redesigned my schedule. I didn’t have to wake up as early, because I didn’t have to drive to work and find parking. I was able to get up slowly. I was able to take a walk mid-day. I didn’t have to meal prep anymore since I could just make my food whenever I wanted/needed it. I also was much more productive at my job.
I have my own office now, but I would happily give that up if it meant I could work remotely on more days. As a neurodivergent person, working onsite is too stimulating, too loud, too bright, too much sensory overload. On the days I have to go into the office, I am stressed, I am rushing, I am flustered. I don’t like starting my days this way, and I’m sure it’s not good for me. I have to put on an invisible set of armor to go out into the world regardless, but even more so when I need to be onsite at my job. I come home exhausted—not wanting to do much of anything. I usually try to exercise, because I know it’ll make me feel better, but some days it’s too hard.
The thing is: I would understand if I needed to be onsite for specific tasks and duties that have to do with my job, but there are none. Most students want to meet with me virtually. Aside from that, I do a lot of administrative work that I can do from anywhere. Being forced to work onsite feels almost punitive; it feels like, “Well, we all have to do this, so you do, too.”
Those two years I had of fully remote work opened me up to how gentle and slow my life could be. I am not the type of worker who does well in an office setting. I need a physical separation. I’m sure many of us do.
I’m not sure how long I can last in an onsite environment. I’ve almost worked for a university for 10 years, and am hoping to get loan forgiveness next year. I am dreaming of how I can be a writer, teacher, educator full time as my own boss. I am dreaming of labor only in so much as dreaming of other ways I can hopefully exist and thrive on this planet. Because working for/in a system is not it.
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