Writing From The Body
Writing has held my hand longer than any partner
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I am in the throes of writing my book and writing in this space is becoming more difficult. I feel like I have to save up every ounce of “good” or “interesting” writing for the book. I know this isn’t actually true, but my brain is having difficulty writing in both spaces at the moment. But I’m still doing it, because I like the weekly ritual of putting out this newsletter. It helps me to feel centered.
There are a lot of things I would like to write here that I’m just not for the time being since much will be included in the book. There are things I want to say about disability and desire; things I want to say about trauma as currency and commodity in online spaces; and so many other things, too. You’ll just have to wait for the book to read about those things, though.
Let me be clear: I don’t have a book deal (yet). But I’ve resigned myself to publishing this book whether or not I get one. I have a literary agent and have been slowly working on this book since 2015. I’m finally at a place where I feel excited about where it’s all going. I don’t want to lose this momentum.
I write every day—a little bit. Even if I just have time to write a sentence or half of a sentence, I do that. I commit to that. Writing has always been there for me. It has quite literally saved me from this world and myself. It’s not always easy to start, but when I do, it flows. Writing is not static. It’s a movement; sometimes several movements. Perhaps this is why it’s been so hard for me to get out of my head and into my body—I’m constantly writing in my head. I’m trying to write from my body. I’m trying to feel into my hands and fingertips.
I’ve created my own little somatic exercise with my hands. Anytime I start to feel activated/anxious/unsafe/scared, I feel into my fingers. I stretch and release them. This gets me out of my head. This gets me safely into my body without it feeling overwhelming.
I write from the body.
I write from the heart.
I write from the gut.
All that matters is that I keep writing. I keep doing the thing. I keep at it even if people don’t like it. Because I’m not really doing it for anyone other than myself. And I do it for me because I need it; I crave it.
Writing has held my hand longer than any partner.
🎉 Mood Board for the Week
Sorry, no Barbie discourse over here. I haven’t seen it since I refuse to go to a theater (even masked). I will probably watch it at some point on whatever streaming service it ends up on. I hear it’s great but/and/also that it leaves much to be desired. But it looks like campy femme fun, so I’m here for that.
I made a bunch of Instagram stories and TikToks about my last 3 (hellish) relationships. I blame Venus Rx. Who knows how long I’ll keep these up, because people are already being victim-blamey.
What is Trans Justice? - Pierre Cloutier de Repentigny
I have only recently found Scout Niblett. Her album, “It’s Up To Emma” from 2013 has been so good for me as I continue to feel angry breakup feelings. I love what she says about the album in this Rumpus article, “…this album seems to be a reflection of a journey through all emotions. It feels like a document of an emotional evolution. Almost like the different stages of grief (anger, denial, acceptance, etc.), all about the same theme…” About the album cover, she says: “I am immersed in a kiss, but the male has his eyes open… I see it as me being alone in that kiss. The songs are really me dealing with being alone, and the path I took to learning to embrace and value being alone.” My current faves: “Gun,” “Can’t Fool Me Now,” “All Night Long,” and “What Can I Do?”
Forest Defense is Self-Defense - Micah Herskind
This:
