Fainting as a Practice in Vulnerability

Fainting in front of hundreds of people sort of forces vulnerability

image via

In December of 2019, I passed out in front of 75-100 work colleagues from overheating. It wasn't dramatic (to me). I was sitting in a chair, and I slumped over. I was helped to the ground, and 911 was called (which didn't need to happen, but I know people freak out about these sorts of things). Also, since it happened at work, I’m sure people were worried about liability issues.

For 25 years, my biggest fear was exactly that: fainting in front of a large crowd of people and an ambulance being called. The fear was so bad that it was part of the reason I was put on Zoloft at age 17. At the time, I couldn't stop thinking about fainting. I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts about it 24/7. I became mildly agoraphobic because of it. 

Fainting isn't anything new to me. I've fainted various times in my life, including:

• Age 34: due to removal of milia under my eye at the Dermatologist

• Age 33: due to overheating

• Age 33: due to seeing blood

• Age 22: due to alcohol

• Age 18: due to first tattoo and sitting up during it

• Age 7: due to ear piercing

• Preschool: due to overheating

The common themes have always been: needles, blood, heat, alcohol, pain. 

After I was admitted to the ER, my vitals were checked and an EKG was done. All were perfect. I was then referred to the Faint & Fall Clinic for a follow-up. I was the youngest person in the waiting room there. First rule of Faint Club is that we all faint, regardless of age. My doctor was great. She told me how, when one of her other patients fainted, someone immediately started doing CPR, which then broke the patient’s ribs. Note to those reading this: please make sure the person is not breathing before you attempt CPR! My doctor told me I exhibited classic symptoms of Vasovagal Syncope, which is the most common fainting condition there is. It has specific triggers (heat, pain, alcohol, needles, blood). I feel such relief having this diagnosis. However, I'm still dealing with the aftershock of the “incident”—even three years later. 

Each time I faint, it takes a lot out of me. I tend to feel like I'm hungover for a few days after, and then the anxiety hits. When I am feeling my most anxious, the fear of fainting is loud and brash. I start to distrust my body and all that it’s capable of. Ironically, the fear of fainting is more debilitating than the actual fainting. Whenever I leave the house, I make sure to have all the things I may need should I pass out: 1) water, 2) a snack, 3) peppermint oil. I also try to always dress in layers since overheating seems to be my biggest trigger. The fact that I need to rearrange my life (albeit in small ways) for this condition can really grate on me sometimes. I’m still making peace with it. We each have varying and various health issues, and this is one of mine.

The scariest thing about fainting is how vulnerable it makes a person. It humanizes you in front of whomever might be around. This isn’t the worst thing, but it’s an uncomfortable experience in front of people you don’t know super well. It stirs in others their own feelings of fear and vulnerability. As someone who hates feeling "out of control," fainting is the ultimate in letting go and surrendering. There is no pain for me when I faint (usually). It feels peaceful. It feels like my body is doing what it needs to do to take care of itself. What I don’t like is how scared it makes onlookers feel. But I also know that is not my burden to carry.

If you ever see a person pass out, please just calm yourself first and foremost. Don’t crowd the person, but make sure someone is there comforting them and making sure they aren’t at risk of falling. When they come to, don’t tell them how “scary” it looked.

Give them compassion and kindness. Give them space. They did not get to consent to this vulnerability. Acknowledge this.

-Lachrista xoxo

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🎉 Things of the Week

1. This beautiful piece written last January from Annika Hansteen-Izora

2. Very excited to receive this deck from Hack Your Nervous System

3. I bought the Christmas Polly Pocket for baby Lachrista who never had that one

4. Appreciated this piece from Marlee Grace (as someone with a lot of followers on Instagram, I purposely do not post much, if anything, about my dating life for the many reasons outlined)

5. Working with The Book of Runes

6. Now if we once again use the language of the virus, we can see that yes, we are one species, so the differences we see are a result of a system, are the result of an imposition of language, and that is where the transformation must be made and achieved. The only cure will be a transformation of the whole society, and an entirely new knowledge order altogether—otherwise we will remain trapped in this. It is through language that you and I are able to now sit and talk with each other, develop a mechanism to understand one another, do you see the immense potential there?! Language is entirely the point!

7. Schiaparelli IS the blueprint.

   Cora Harrington @lingerie_addict

   I enjoy every iteration of this motif. Schiaparelli is the blueprint, but I especially love this Stirling Cooper gown.

   

   

   thatadult @rianphin

   jean paul gaultier was dismissed from cardin after a year and jacques esterel, worked at patou for three years, and then kashiyama appreciated his work and he constructed an acclaimed collection, i would’ve loved to see what he contributed to every job he did before though lol https://t.co/PsFVUPmMWs

8. America’s culture warriors are going after librarians

9. This piece on New Year's resolutions and the reality of change by Courtney Martin

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