Firelight

I don't have a sense of belonging... or do I?

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When the weather gets cooler, my mom and I have an evening ritual. I sit on the couch and she sits by the fireplace as we settle in to watch tv. Like a typical millennial, I can’t just watch tv, I need to be doing something with my hands. Most evenings like this I am either scrolling social media, coloring on my iPad, playing video games on my Switch, or needle-punching. Most days, these evening moments with Mom are all that are getting me through the day.

I don’t have a sense of belonging or community here. I don’t have an allegiance to this place like some people seem to have to their hometown. Madison has never felt like home, except for when I left it twice. But I think that was more from being homesick for family, and not the place.

The city is bigger now than when I was small and I hate that. There are more people, more buildings, more noise. When I was a kid, I wanted to get out of here so badly. I wanted a big city. I wanted to feel anonymous. I wanted to disappear. I studied abroad in Rome, Italy in college and was swallowed by the city. I was swallowed again when I moved to Chicago for four years. Chicago was unkind to me—that city chewed me up and spit me out like it could tell I wasn’t madly in love with it like so many others. Nowadays, I fantasize about living in a small town—close to other humans, but far enough away that I can retreat to my solitude whenever I want.

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, which is probably why I’ve been writing a book about it since 2015. I’m still grasping for words that describe the mixture of sadness and peace that this lack of belonging brings me. I want to belong, I’d like more deep friendships and love, I want closeness. And yet, I have always been a bit of a loner. I have always loved my alone-ness, but there are times I fear being engulfed by it. There are also times where being with myself (and in my body) is too painful and difficult—and I need others to help pull me out of myself, if only for a moment.

I love myself, but I don’t always love being inside of me.

Sometimes I have to force myself to go for a walk. I do love going for walks, but my body lives in a deep state of freeze. For me, this means that initiating movement can feel terrifying, even though I know that movement is what my body needs. I go for my little walks and when I start to feel activated, I repeat this like a mantra: “My feet are on the ground. The trees are green (more brown and gold now). The sky is blue/grey.” I feel into my feet. I feel into my fingers by spreading and stretching them. My body makes so many attempts to feel safe.

The cooler weather soothes me and wakes me up. The way the light shifts in the early evening feels more gentle, more kind than the garish summer sun. I often think I would be quite happy without sunlight. Though I suppose even I miss it when it’s grey for too long. I appreciate snowlight more. I appreciate moonlight more. I appreciate firelight more.

So when my mom and I sit by the fire in these autumn evenings, everything illuminated by firelight (the most precious kind of light), the warmth in our home is truly, actually, all I really want and need. And I know I belong here.

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🫀 Mood Board for the Week

1. 17 Ways To Open Your Heart, for paid subscribers of Andrea Gibson (I don’t typically share things behind paywalls in this section, but this is so lovely I had to)

2. I talked about some medical trauma here:

3. I’ve sort of been fascinated by the story of Glossier/Emily Weiss, and a new book came out about it as well as a lot of essays. Here is an interview with the author I enjoyed reading.

4. Urgent Gaza Fund

5. Excellent reading roundup from Kelly Hayes from Gaza to Elon Musk

6. A new podcast explores the power of the humanities in Wisconsin prisons

7. Librarians Didn’t Sign Up to Be Queer Activists—but This Year, They Are

8. Resistance and Belonging in an Academic Library: Finding Home in the Praxis

9. ICYMI: Ask Guerrilla Femme is back!

10. I’m offering my first ever online class! It’s called Digital Violence & The Nervous System. It’s on Oct. 29 for 2 hours, $35 (sliding scale), and you will receive a recording even if you can’t show up live! Also, Black, Indigenous and other POC get in free! Read more about it and sign up here!