✨Reminders✨
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Hospitals are known for for their sterility and coldness, but for me, they feel too warm—hot, even. I can always count on my anxiety to keep me (too) warm.
My doctor wanted me to get iron infusions because my iron is low and the supplements aren’t helping. I had two iron infusions last year, and though I didn’t find them “fun,” I didn’t have any ill effects. I was uncomfortable during, of course, because it’s done in a hospital and I hate hospitals/medical spaces. I had the urge to flee, to claw out of my skin. You feel a bit trapped since you’re hooked up to an IV and you just have to sit/lay there. The room is nice. Everyone gets their own private room with a tv and bathroom. The nurses are kind, bringing me water and a warm blanket. My mom goes with me and sits in a chair in the corner reading or talking to me.
I had an iron infusion last Thursday (the first of three for this year) and I got my period a few days later, and the combo did not make me feel good. I had to cancel my webinar (it’s now happening this coming Sunday). I have been off and crying for the past several days—a combo of hormones, anxiety, and reawakened medical trauma.
I am writing this to you from bed—a place I’m feeling equal amounts love and hate for at the moment. I love my bed generally (and love being in it), but I don’t love it when I feel like I don’t have a choice to be in it. Because I’ve felt unwell, I’ve spent more time here. What’s hard for me in the moment is that I don’t have a specific cause to my ailments. I don’t have Covid. I don’t have the flu. I have a mix of things that may have been caused my other things, but may have not been caused by other things. It’s the sitting with the unknown/the uncertainty that scares me so deeply. It’s sitting with the discomfort that makes me want to cry out (and I have, several times).
I am hoping to feel better soon—more like myself. I’ve canceled my next two infusions until I can get back to my baseline. My doctor told me my symptoms are not necessarily related to the infusion, and yet, I’ve found a slew of people online who have had similar ill effects. Whether I feel shitty from the infusion or something else, I hope it leaves soon. I hope I can get a reprieve soon. Sickly sensations have always been difficult for me, and I am trying to learn to be with them; to feel more curious than scared. It’s so very hard.
Whether you struggle with this or not, I would love to hear how you handle being sick/off/unwell. I would love to hear how you continue on. I would love to hear how you don’t get lost in the fear of foreverness.
🫀 Mood Board for the Week
Thinking Bigger About What Should Be Ours -
The Legal Case Against Beauty Filters -
The Covid inquiry makes me feel sick -
This song, but the whole album, really:
I don't handle illness well. I used to, as a kid, but something about capitalism stuck it in my brain that rest is failing, actually, and it's been a decade-long process of unlearning the idea that my body doesn't deserve care and that I don't have to apologise for being unwell.
I am grateful to have a Buddhist practice that consistently reminds me to hold compassion for the self, alongside compassion for others ("Oh yeah, when you said May ALL BEINGS be free...that includes you, numpty!") and that my partner reminds me that I do not have to "prove" my worth through productivity. Also, reading the poem Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. The whole thing, but particularly the opening verse. It is a solid reminder that I deserve to just be, and to be sometimes means I am sick and when I am sick it is the best reminder to take care of this particular being.
I try to model what I learn for others too. To use illness as a reminder that we have been convinced we need to move at a pace that is untenable, and that being unwell can really highlight how interconnected we are. I connect with others who have the same unpredictable condition as me, to commiserate and share resources.
I am getting better at being sick. It may seem a strange aspiration to hold, but I recognize how noble it is. Particularly that as long as we are fortunate enough to have long lives, we will all ultimately be called to care for ourselves (and accept care) better with each passing year.
I hope you keep taking good care of yourself and feel better soon! <3