Notes From the Sick Bay

Trying to be with what is

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where I wish I was writing from

Hospitals are known for for their sterility and coldness, but for me, they feel too warm—hot, even. I can always count on my anxiety to keep me (too) warm.

My doctor wanted me to get iron infusions because my iron is low and the supplements aren’t helping. I had two iron infusions last year, and though I didn’t find them “fun,” I didn’t have any ill effects. I was uncomfortable during, of course, because it’s done in a hospital and I hate hospitals/medical spaces. I had the urge to flee, to claw out of my skin. You feel a bit trapped since you’re hooked up to an IV and you just have to sit/lay there. The room is nice. Everyone gets their own private room with a tv and bathroom. The nurses are kind, bringing me water and a warm blanket. My mom goes with me and sits in a chair in the corner reading or talking to me.

I had an iron infusion last Thursday (the first of three for this year) and I got my period a few days later, and the combo did not make me feel good. I had to cancel my webinar (it’s now happening this coming Sunday). I have been off and crying for the past several days—a combo of hormones, anxiety, and reawakened medical trauma.

I am writing this to you from bed—a place I’m feeling equal amounts love and hate for at the moment. I love my bed generally (and love being in it), but I don’t love it when I feel like I don’t have a choice to be in it. Because I’ve felt unwell, I’ve spent more time here. What’s hard for me in the moment is that I don’t have a specific cause to my ailments. I don’t have Covid. I don’t have the flu. I have a mix of things that may have been caused my other things, but may have not been caused by other things. It’s the sitting with the unknown/the uncertainty that scares me so deeply. It’s sitting with the discomfort that makes me want to cry out (and I have, several times).

I am hoping to feel better soon—more like myself. I’ve canceled my next two infusions until I can get back to my baseline. My doctor told me my symptoms are not necessarily related to the infusion, and yet, I’ve found a slew of people online who have had similar ill effects. Whether I feel shitty from the infusion or something else, I hope it leaves soon. I hope I can get a reprieve soon. Sickly sensations have always been difficult for me, and I am trying to learn to be with them; to feel more curious than scared. It’s so very hard.

Whether you struggle with this or not, I would love to hear how you handle being sick/off/unwell. I would love to hear how you continue on. I would love to hear how you don’t get lost in the fear of foreverness.

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🫀 Mood Board for the Week

1. Thinking Bigger About What Should Be Ours -

   Hamilton Nolan

2. The Pain of Aloneness -

   CARESCAPES

3. The Legal Case Against Beauty Filters -

   The Unpublishable

4. The Ghosts of Love -

   Monday Monday

5. The Covid inquiry makes me feel sick -

   The View From Down Here

6. This song, but the whole album, really: