On Haircuts & Decentering Men

I cut my hair short—something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. First big cut since my last big breakup.

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self-portrait

I cut my hair short—something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. First big cut since my last big breakup. It’s not necessarily momentous, but it is, because it has brought up a lot of feelings and emotions. Reminds me of this poem I wrote after another big breakup:

How lovely
to have ends (beginnings?)
untouched by you.

The dating scene is still incredibly bleak, and I have become a passive participant. No longer am I pushing for things to happen. No longer am I taking any initiative in this realm of things. I simply do not care anymore.

Part of this not caring is due to my ex—he hurt me in ways I’m still repairing. Part of it is also just getting older. I no longer care how people see me nor do I care whether they want me or not. I more so wonder if I want them, and whether I want anyone to disrupt my solitude. I think of that gorgeous Warsan Shire quote:

My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.

My history with my hair is long and sad, and I never felt like it was a pretty feature of mine until my 30s. I remember boys in elementary school saying girls were only pretty if they had long straight hair, and I took that shit to heart. I brushed out my curls in favor of length. I brushed out my curls so that maybe one of the other girls would play with my hair during story time (this never happened). My mom would wrap my hair at night in a whirlwind of bobby-pins to straighten it (because I wanted her to). Even when my hair was long, I didn’t feel pretty. I didn’t feel desired. My hair was still curly. It was unruly—I was unruly.

me as a child with super cute curls

I’ve done big hair cuts only a few times in my life. The first, when I was 18—about a year after the bullying of my ex-friends. The second was when I was in my first grad program in Chicago. I was 23 and wanted a change. The hair stylist gave me a cute bob and straightened it so I had no idea what it looked like curly until I had to style it myself at home later. Thankfully, it was even cuter.

The thought that “men like women with long, flowing straight hair,” has cropped up in my life more often than I would like to admit (especially as a bi femme who doesn’t solely date cis men). Over the course of the last few months, there was a tiny voice talking me out of cutting my hair short, “You won’t find anyone. They’re gonna think you’re ugly with short hair.” Finally, I said “fuck you.”

I chopped it to neck-length over the course of a week; slowly coming back to it each evening. The thing about curly hair is that it’s very forgiving. I have been cutting my own hair for a long time. I actually prefer this, though I do (and I will in this case) still go see my hair stylist to help clean it up for me.

And guess what? The voice in my head that tells me how unattractive I am or how I will never snag a man (or anyone) is gone. It’s so freeing to do what you want; to decenter men; to not give a fuck if you’re considered attractive or not.

Perhaps this will shift for me at some point, but for now I am enjoying prioritizing what I like, what I find attractive about myself, what I want. I’m so grateful I’ve gotten to this point in life.

Fuck what anyone else thinks.

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🫀 Mood Board for the Week

1. I got the new Covid booster last week and I’m so grateful (I hope you’ll get it too, if you can!)

3. Lina Dune
   wrote a great piece on age gap relationships & Olivia Rodrigo’s “Vampire”

4. “American Motherhood Felt Like That: Like a Plan Devised by Men.” OOOOF.

5. Libraries, librarians, and books are still under attack

6. I’m offering my first ever online class! It’s called Digital Violence & The Nervous System. It’s on Oct. 29 for 2 hours, $35 (sliding scale), and you will receive a recording even if you can’t show up live! Also, Black, Indigenous and other POC get in free! Read more about it and sign up here!

7. The freedom to read for everyone requires an end to prisons.

8. I deleted TikTok and already feel better 😊

9. Speaking of TikTok,

   Erin Ryan Heyneman (she/her)
   wrote a great piece about how she uses her TikTok to share her lived experience with Multiple Sclerosis, often sharing info about how neuroplasticity played a role in her recovery from a major MS flare

10. This song is melting me ❤️