If you would like to pay for a subscription, but don’t want to do so through Substack, you can pay via my Venmo or PayPal. Also, if you’d like a paid subscription, but can’t afford it, please email me and I’ll add you—no questions asked.
“I would NEVER sleep with a married man!”
I hear this often, and each time, my palms sweat, my thoughts get dizzy. I think, “Do I say I have? Will this person look at me the same way? Will they think I’m ‘trashy’?” I swallow the hard-to-chew questions. The truth is I don’t feel bad about it. What’s been more upsetting is the societal knee-jerk reaction to villainize “The Other Woman” instead of the person who said the vows.
Due to the media’s portrayal, I grew up thinking these women were trashy, trampy, and tarnished. They would often wear next to nothing or overly modest clothing, dark makeup, and have curly/wavy hair; clearly coded to mean “messy.” In some cases, they were scary and “crazy” a la Fatal Attraction. [Sidenote: when I first watched that film several years ago, I was astounded by how unscathed the husband/cheater (Michael Douglas) came out in the end].
The Other Woman was the effervescent “bad” girl. In some ways, I idolized her. She was seductive, mysterious, and lived at the margins of society. I didn’t see her as being three-dimensional though; having multiple and complex identities. I saw her as either fun and deplorable or slutty and a “home wrecker.” When I became The Other Woman in my mid-twenties, my perception shifted—it had to unless I wanted to hate myself.
With the success of Beyoncé’s rendition of the infamous, “Jolene,” by Dolly Parton, I’ve been noticing (again) how much vitriol goes towards The Other Woman. Not that I haven’t witnessed this before, but each time it erupts, the conversation is rudimentary and boring. Not to mention it is steeped in cishetero normativity. It pits women against women all for the “prize” of a man—a common tactic of the patriarchy.
“Jolene” is one of my favorite songs. I don’t care for the lyrics of Beyoncé version nor the original, but the singing and emotionality on both versions are chillingly good. Dolly’s version begins:
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm beggin' of you, please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
In Beyoncé’s version, it’s updated to:
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm warnin’ you, don't come for my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Don't take the chance because you think you can
I keep seeing comments about how “empowering” the new lyrics are because in Beyoncé’s version, she’s warning Jolene instead of begging. People are hearing what they think is a more confident narrator. But I don’t see it as confidence, I see it as fear masked as toughness. I hear a woman who is clearly terrified of “losing” her man to Jolene, just like in the original.
The lyrics continue:
Jolene, I'm a woman too
Thе games you play are nothing new
So you don't want no hеat with me, Jolene
We've been deep in love for twenty years
I raised that man, I raised his kids
I know my man better than he knows himself
I don’t see anything empowering about having to “raise” a man, but sure, ✨empowerment✨.
There are hundreds of songs about The Other Woman. A few others that come to mind are: “Illicit Affairs” by Taylor Swift, “The Other Woman” by Nina Simone, “The Boy is Mine” by Brandy & Monica, “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood, and “Oh My Lover” by PJ Harvey.
The other woman is most always the villain, not the man who cheated on his wife. In so many of these songs, we don’t get a clear sense of the man at the center of the anguish. His character is never fleshed out—he could be anyone. Maybe that’s okay, but why the focus on The Other Woman? Lyrically, she is textured and multidimensional. She shows up with so much grit and color, or maybe it just seems that way because the married woman obsesses over her.
The worst things you can call The Other Woman are numerous, but the worst thing you can call a married man who cheats is “cheater.” He is forgiven—by society and more importantly, by his wife. If his wife stands by him, she is privately (and sometimes publicly) ridiculed. If she leaves him, it all becomes her fault. Marriage, yet again, benefits the man more than the woman.
It’s easier to hate the other woman than to hate your partner. Hating the other woman absolves you from realizing how deeply your partner betrayed you. It’s a coping mechanism, but it’s a bad one.
I have never cheated on a partner, but I have been cheated on. You know who I blamed? Not The Other Woman. I blamed my partner at the time. He was the one who told this woman he was single. But even if he didn’t; even if she knew he was in a monogamous relationship, why would I fault the other woman instead of him?
Just because we are partnered, does not mean we own each other. Maybe we need to start there.
Israeli Damage to Archives, Libraries, and Museums in Gaza, October 2023–January 2024 - Librarians and Archivists with Palestine
"possibility is not a luxury." -
The fight for disabled workers’ rights goes beyond the picket line - Bianca Gonzalez
"We Need to Resist and Dismantle Through Decentralized Formations" - Kelly Hayes
The art, science, theory, and practice of perceiving yourself - She’s A Beast
Israel's Crimes, Al Shifa Hospital -
Autistic Students and Academic Library Research: Recommendations For a Neurodiversity-Informed Approach - Jessica Hinson-Williams
@unboundlibrarian on white supremacy, the professionalism myth + OnlyFans - Megdi Abebe
Google Books Is Indexing AI-Generated Garbage - Emanuel Maiberg
A song per te:
The Guerrilla Feminist is reader-supported! Thank you to the folks who pay monthly to support my work. If you want to upgrade to paid, go here.
Add your favorite song to The Guerrilla Feminist Spotify Playlist!
Please share my writing with your community and comrades! Forward this email to a friend, put it in your own newsletter, screenshot and share it on social media.
I genuinely enjoy Beyoncé's cover of Jolene and yes, the line about raising a grown man makes me cringe.
I so appreciated this whole thing! I've also been both cheated on and the other woman; human relationships are extremely susceptible to becoming messy.