I so appreciated this whole thing! I've also been both cheated on and the other woman; human relationships are extremely susceptible to becoming messy.
Thank you for this. I’ve been cheated on, and I hated The Other Woman because she knew that he was in a relationship. When I found out about the cheating I placed plenty of blame on my boyfriend, but I also blamed her for being a despicable piece of trash who should go out and get her own damn man. But in the years since then, I’ve been The Other Woman and I knew the guy was in a committed relationship. I was extremely Not Okay at the time, so when I look back I understand why I did it, but I also don’t make excuses for myself. I started going to therapy because I was horrified by what I did and was drowning in guilt and self-judgment, and I also knew that I had done it because I had stuff to sort out and it wasn’t okay to hurt other people because of my issues. The experience led to the realization that we can’t just slap a dehumanizing label on Other Women that says “man-stealing skank” and move on. Sometimes we are just people who screw up and do things we’re not proud of. The man may also be just a person making a mistake, but he made a commitment to another person and he’s not accidentally betraying them - he is choosing to, and a grown-ass man’s choices shouldn’t be blamed on someone else.
And this label is dished out liberally, even when it's not appropriate.
The last intimate relationship I had was with a man who had signed a legally binding agreement to part ways and sell the house with his ex, and who had already moved out. I was treated as though I was the other woman, accused of destroying their relationship, even though it had been on the rocks for years. He was the one who initiated the relationship, and I was surprised, thinking we were just friends.
It was so dehumanizing. And it was all about me being the seductress, and he was just the innocent guy.
And, yes, in cases of infidelity, I blame the person who broke the commitment -- who knows what they told the other person?
I genuinely enjoy Beyoncé's cover of Jolene and yes, the line about raising a grown man makes me cringe.
I so appreciated this whole thing! I've also been both cheated on and the other woman; human relationships are extremely susceptible to becoming messy.
Thank you for this. I’ve been cheated on, and I hated The Other Woman because she knew that he was in a relationship. When I found out about the cheating I placed plenty of blame on my boyfriend, but I also blamed her for being a despicable piece of trash who should go out and get her own damn man. But in the years since then, I’ve been The Other Woman and I knew the guy was in a committed relationship. I was extremely Not Okay at the time, so when I look back I understand why I did it, but I also don’t make excuses for myself. I started going to therapy because I was horrified by what I did and was drowning in guilt and self-judgment, and I also knew that I had done it because I had stuff to sort out and it wasn’t okay to hurt other people because of my issues. The experience led to the realization that we can’t just slap a dehumanizing label on Other Women that says “man-stealing skank” and move on. Sometimes we are just people who screw up and do things we’re not proud of. The man may also be just a person making a mistake, but he made a commitment to another person and he’s not accidentally betraying them - he is choosing to, and a grown-ass man’s choices shouldn’t be blamed on someone else.
As someone who has been The Other Woman more than I care to admit, this title made me uncomfortable at first.
I was intrigued because I felt like it was speaking to me.
I prefer not to be known as the other woman. There are many sides and dimensions to me, as you say.
Just because I make a stupid mistake for emotional reasons doesn't necessarily mean I'm a corrupt or bad person.
Maybe emotionally broken. But the world doesn't want to hear that story.
They like it when the other woman is seductive and crazy.
Great essay.
And this label is dished out liberally, even when it's not appropriate.
The last intimate relationship I had was with a man who had signed a legally binding agreement to part ways and sell the house with his ex, and who had already moved out. I was treated as though I was the other woman, accused of destroying their relationship, even though it had been on the rocks for years. He was the one who initiated the relationship, and I was surprised, thinking we were just friends.
It was so dehumanizing. And it was all about me being the seductress, and he was just the innocent guy.
And, yes, in cases of infidelity, I blame the person who broke the commitment -- who knows what they told the other person?