This week's Rage & Softness
here’s what made me rage and what kept me soft this past week
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Dearest Readers,
This past week has been shitty: personally, professionally, globally—all the ways. One good moment was being in online community with my death doula training group. Talking about death in the current times feels right, necessary, and liberating.
In this week’s module, we were taken through a death meditation. Moving through the 9 Contemplations of Death by Atisha, I laid on my bed breathing in the words of each number. Alua Arthur was narrating this meditation and her voice is so calming. She then had us envision our organs shutting down and taking our last breath. We pictured what our body would look like right after death and then three months after death—decaying; skeletal.
I was crying before I started the meditation, because it had been a rough week and a rough day, but initially I found myself really resistant to dying—to letting go. This eventually lessened near the end of the meditation.
Out of the 9 Contemplations of Death, I felt the most resistant to #7: My loved ones cannot keep me from death and #9: My own body cannot help me at the time of death. I cried hard when these two were read aloud. I immediately thought of all of my loved ones and how sad we all would be. I thought of missing my nephews growing up. For #9, I thought about how much I have put my body through in all these decades on earth and it made incredibly heartbroken. I was also thinking about who I might need to mend a relationship with before dying, and no person came to mind. What came to mind was my body. That is the relationship I want to mend before I die. The Contemplation that I had the least resistance with was #8: At the moment of death, material resources will be of no use to me.
In our discussion this week, we were also tasked with writing about what, for us, was a “good” death and what was a “bad” death. A “good” death for me would be at home during a snowfall with friends/family/animals around me. I want to laugh right before I die at something super funny. I want to feel the most relaxed I've ever felt.
A “bad” death would be dying in a hospital, dying after a lot of intense pain/discomfort completely alone, dying from violence.
We don’t have control over these things, of course—not as much as we’d like to—but should I have a choice, it’s helpful to have ruminated about these things. I think we all should, if we can. This work is helping my anxiety more than anything else has, which is saying a lot.
What I want to let go of before I die is my resistance to it; my resistance to feeling pain and discomfort; my resistance to letting go and letting whatever happen; my strong desire for certainty. This all seems quite doable in the current state of things.
It’s been said often before, but I think it’s true: the more you talk and think about death, the more you’re able to live.
Rage:
Reading:
There is so much to be pissed off about and my god do I hate seeing the faces of rich men in power. Specifically, the face of Elon Musk. It’s so kickable, you know? Elon Musk’s Power Grab Is Lawless, Dangerous, and—Yes—a Coup.
Not surprising, but awful nonetheless: People With Disabilities Were Left Behind During the Los Angeles Fires.
I hate this for all of us: Libraries are already contending with crappy, AI-generated books.
Also not great: Trump Fires National Archives Director Colleen Shogan.
Amanda Palmer has BEEN awful and Neil Gaiman is obviously also despicable. Remember when she staged a fake suicide to get her boyfriend to quit drugs? I do. Neil Gaiman’s Ex-Wife Amanda Palmer Denies Human Trafficking Allegations.
I’m glad they’re suing, but they should have never been suspended: Three students sue Columbia over suspension tied to pro-Palestine organizing.
Watching:
What is with white women faking cancer for attention? I’ve been watching the “Scamanda” series on Hulu, and jfc—the shit some people do is beyond me.
Also watching “Apple Cider Vinegar” on Netflix which is essentially about the same thing, but dramatized and loosely based on the real life story of Australian influencer, Belle Gibson.
Softness:
Reading:
“Death has much to teach about what strength lies in surrender. In yielding to a thing greater than us, we are moved by currents deeper and wiser than our own manufactured rhythms. Beyond the discomfort of capitulation lies the peace of admitting that we can no longer continue in the same vein. When my hands cup a face so that my thumbs might so gently close someone’s eyes for the final time, they do so in the deepest of reverence for that individual’s letting go. Sometimes, I’ll whisper, ‘You did so well.’” -
, Time is a MagpieReally appreciate this from one of my faves, Melissa Gira Grant: The #Resistance Lives. It Just Looks Different This Time.
Also fuck yes to sex worker resistance: Migrant Sex Workers’ Resistance Offers a Blueprint for Fighting Authoritarianism.
Absolutely loved this conversation between
, , and Hazel Acacia on “Anarco-Tradwives.”Also enjoyed this from
: Shoving at the Thing From All Sides.This was a great read: Black Literary Movements.
This advice from
: You Bust Loose From Heaven And Now Your Life Starts*.This from
: An Introduction to Black Marxism.Watching:
Thinking about re-watching “True Detective: Night Country” because I need more snow/winter in my life.
Listening:
New Doechii, obvi:
Alex G.:
Miscellanea:
FaceTime calls with my nephews. Snuggles with N and Titan the floofy kitty. Nature walks. Seeing digital proofs of my book. Doing the DUTCH test and hoping to find out some shit about my hormones. Cleaning and renovating my dollhouse—the only home I may ever own.
Love the reflections you’re sharing with us from the death doula training. That meditation sounds so powerful 🖤🙏🏻
😔😔