Thank you for writing this! I resonated with every word. At 38, it can sometimes feel like this gigantic, loaded decision that needs to be made sooner than later. I'm still unpacking all the options, and it's nice to know I'm not alone in the ambivalence <3
Thank you for writing about this! As someone who (personally) has 99% decided not to have kids but struggled with the decision for a long time and someone who (professionally) hangs out with babies & pregnant people all the time, I always appreciate reading about people's decision making process and holding the complexity of this question. It's really fucking complicated! And I feel like there isn't enough writing on it. I appreciate your thoughts!
I'm 33 and married to a person who I believe would be a wonderful co-parent, but we both feel exactly the way you describe. We could go either way and be happy and it IS stressful as hell. So stressful we've sought couples counselling to try to help us make this decision. Do I really want children, or am I conditioned to want children? Is it selfish to choose biking in Iceland and hiking in Mongolia over raising a family? As a person with anxiety as well, I only focus on all of the reasons not to have children, and there are a lot. But what about all the wonderful things about raising children? I try to make a decision and immediately regret the things I'll miss in looking ahead to one life or another. It's paralyzing. Sometimes I feel like I have a duty as an educated person to raise children so we don't leave the world the offspring of those that would strip women of basic human rights. But then I am overwhelmed by the idea of bringing a child into such a bleak-looking future. Let me know if you ever figure out how to make this decision because I am at a loss.
I so hear you. It’s incredibly hard! I am a newish aunt and that has been amazing and I do love children, but yeah, still ambivalent about wanting my own!
Really enjoyed reading this and the timing is wild -- I just turned 35 and my copper IUD is due to be taken out next month. My ambivalence and agony over this decision got turned way up at this most recent decision point -- hitting 35, needing to figure out next steps with (or without) birth control. I expected that by this point I would be *ready*, but at each milestone that I expected to feel that way, I haven't. Both options seem great and I can't figure out which, for me, would be the right one. I keep pushing out the goalpost a little more hoping that I have a little more time to make my decision and feel good about it. Hoping for both of us that the final decision comes easily and without too much grief.
I’m 37 too! When I was a young girl, I never dreamed about marriage, owning a house, weddings, never. Never played the games never cared. I never wanted kids or I didn’t even think about it. I’ve made the choice to never have them. If I wanted them, I would have wanted to have them earlier when I had more stamina and I wouldn’t want my kids strapped with my issues if I became too old to care for myself— honestly my greatest fear and I never want to live like that. I’ve seen it. No thanks. I refuse. Now I’ll have zero people who would even feel obligated and sometimes that is scary to think about. A lot of people joke about living fast and dying young but many people live a long time. I’ve seen the elders who have nothing. They worked their whole lives but couldn’t afford savings and/or no one even taught them anything about saving money or retirement accounts. Once in awhile I think about how cool my kid could have been and how awesome I could have been. But ultimately it wasn’t in the cards. The minute I knew I was ready to have sex, in college, was too damn scared to be a pregnant teen in highschool, I got birth control first and always used condoms as well. but again I rarely though about marriage or kids. I remember waking up in a cold sweat because I had a dream I was pregnant and it took some time for me to realize it was a dream when I woke up. Sometimes I think it’s too bad my parents could not have had my spawn as grandkids. Someone was telling me Hillary Swank had a kid at 45. But she also is rich and could hire full time help. I think I’m okay with my decision. I would also say if I had gotten pregnant younger because th birth control failed, who knows, I might have kept the baby. I don’t know. And I’ll never know. I assume… now it’s actually really scary because of the USA’s attack on women. Sorry for the long rambling, Great post!!!
As soon as I started reading, I was thinking about the same Strayed essay. I think we'd all be a lot better off if people were more intentional about the choice to parent. Working as an in-home nanny totally changed my perspective on having kids becuase it made me realize how big of a deal the decision is, both for the child and the parent for the rest of their lives. For that and other reasons, I've been feeling the ambivalence ever since!
I’ve been looking for these words - some validation and reasoning for my own feelings that were hard to properly grasp. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks so much for reading, Jillian! ❤️
Thank you for writing this! I resonated with every word. At 38, it can sometimes feel like this gigantic, loaded decision that needs to be made sooner than later. I'm still unpacking all the options, and it's nice to know I'm not alone in the ambivalence <3
Thank you much for reading ❤️
Thank you for writing about this! As someone who (personally) has 99% decided not to have kids but struggled with the decision for a long time and someone who (professionally) hangs out with babies & pregnant people all the time, I always appreciate reading about people's decision making process and holding the complexity of this question. It's really fucking complicated! And I feel like there isn't enough writing on it. I appreciate your thoughts!
Thank you so much Ashley!!! Hope you’re doing well, by the way! ❤️
I'm 33 and married to a person who I believe would be a wonderful co-parent, but we both feel exactly the way you describe. We could go either way and be happy and it IS stressful as hell. So stressful we've sought couples counselling to try to help us make this decision. Do I really want children, or am I conditioned to want children? Is it selfish to choose biking in Iceland and hiking in Mongolia over raising a family? As a person with anxiety as well, I only focus on all of the reasons not to have children, and there are a lot. But what about all the wonderful things about raising children? I try to make a decision and immediately regret the things I'll miss in looking ahead to one life or another. It's paralyzing. Sometimes I feel like I have a duty as an educated person to raise children so we don't leave the world the offspring of those that would strip women of basic human rights. But then I am overwhelmed by the idea of bringing a child into such a bleak-looking future. Let me know if you ever figure out how to make this decision because I am at a loss.
I so hear you. It’s incredibly hard! I am a newish aunt and that has been amazing and I do love children, but yeah, still ambivalent about wanting my own!
Really enjoyed reading this and the timing is wild -- I just turned 35 and my copper IUD is due to be taken out next month. My ambivalence and agony over this decision got turned way up at this most recent decision point -- hitting 35, needing to figure out next steps with (or without) birth control. I expected that by this point I would be *ready*, but at each milestone that I expected to feel that way, I haven't. Both options seem great and I can't figure out which, for me, would be the right one. I keep pushing out the goalpost a little more hoping that I have a little more time to make my decision and feel good about it. Hoping for both of us that the final decision comes easily and without too much grief.
Yes! ❤️
I so appreciate this reflection 🙏🏻 (also, fun to see my name in the links :))
😘😘😘
I’m 37 too! When I was a young girl, I never dreamed about marriage, owning a house, weddings, never. Never played the games never cared. I never wanted kids or I didn’t even think about it. I’ve made the choice to never have them. If I wanted them, I would have wanted to have them earlier when I had more stamina and I wouldn’t want my kids strapped with my issues if I became too old to care for myself— honestly my greatest fear and I never want to live like that. I’ve seen it. No thanks. I refuse. Now I’ll have zero people who would even feel obligated and sometimes that is scary to think about. A lot of people joke about living fast and dying young but many people live a long time. I’ve seen the elders who have nothing. They worked their whole lives but couldn’t afford savings and/or no one even taught them anything about saving money or retirement accounts. Once in awhile I think about how cool my kid could have been and how awesome I could have been. But ultimately it wasn’t in the cards. The minute I knew I was ready to have sex, in college, was too damn scared to be a pregnant teen in highschool, I got birth control first and always used condoms as well. but again I rarely though about marriage or kids. I remember waking up in a cold sweat because I had a dream I was pregnant and it took some time for me to realize it was a dream when I woke up. Sometimes I think it’s too bad my parents could not have had my spawn as grandkids. Someone was telling me Hillary Swank had a kid at 45. But she also is rich and could hire full time help. I think I’m okay with my decision. I would also say if I had gotten pregnant younger because th birth control failed, who knows, I might have kept the baby. I don’t know. And I’ll never know. I assume… now it’s actually really scary because of the USA’s attack on women. Sorry for the long rambling, Great post!!!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! ❤️
As soon as I started reading, I was thinking about the same Strayed essay. I think we'd all be a lot better off if people were more intentional about the choice to parent. Working as an in-home nanny totally changed my perspective on having kids becuase it made me realize how big of a deal the decision is, both for the child and the parent for the rest of their lives. For that and other reasons, I've been feeling the ambivalence ever since!
Ooh Kimberly, yes! Being an in-home nanny must be such a great perspective to have for this. You must see it all!