The Never-Ending Comparison Loop

Feeling untethered with and without Instagram

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I have been off Instagram since January. I unpublished my page and deleted the app from my phone. Never before have I taken this much time away from it. I feel a slight desire creeping in to get back on, but I’m also reveling in the newfound quiet. At the same time, I’m noticing the ways in which Substack is scratching that social media itch and I don’t like it. I’m observing how often I compare myself, my writing, my newsletter, my subscriber count. I’m worried I’m getting sucked into the same, never-ending comparison loop that Instagram propagates.

As I was trying to fall asleep the other night, I started thinking about getting back on Instagram. Immediately, I spiraled into comparative and self-pitying thoughts: Nobody cares that I’m gone, so why go back? Nobody likes me, so why go back? I bet so-and-so has even more followers. I bet that one person is creating super cool shit and I’m clearly not. How come I’m not a “Substack Bestseller?” I lost my lit agent, who didn’t help me with anything anyway, but at least I could say I had one. Will I get another? I don’t think anyone wants to publish my book. Maybe I’ll never publish a book. Maybe nobody cares. Maybe I should just quit.

I tell you this in hopes that you might relate not in hopes that you will soothe my ego!

I’ve often wondered (pathetically perhaps) who am I without social media? Who am I without “Guerrilla Feminism.” I want to kill it, to be honest. I want to birth something new. But I can’t even change my goddamn username (P.S. if ANYONE knows anyone who works for Meta, please, please, please ask them to help me change my username!). I want to use my real name. I want people to know me as “Lachrista Greco,” not just “The Guerrilla Feminist.” I want my writing to be seen and cared for.

I’m not even on social media yet and I’m already comparing myself to others and feeling shitty. This is probably a sign that I should stay off Instagram. But the simple thing is that posting links to my writing there does help it get seen. Also, having the following I have there does make me look “good” to publishers and lit agents. Yet, I also know plenty of authors who have a tiny following and have published successful books through successful publishers, so who even knows. I would much rather be a published author with a small, cozy social media following than have an “influencer” status following and no published book.

The thing is this: I feel very untethered with and without Instagram. I feel very untethered online and offline. I lack community offline and Instagram makes up for that, even with all its issues.

In truth, I tend to isolate myself offline. My two best friends don’t live in town. There are people I could hang out with, but they’re not as Covid-cautious/conscious as I am. Also, I’ve never been one to hang out with people just for the sake of being with people. I revel in my alone time. I have many solitary hobbies and interests. Yet, I still desire community. I just haven’t found it offline. The older I get, the sadder I feel about this lack. The more pressure I feel to hurry up and find “my people.”

Instagram makes up for this—even though it is less a community and more an “audience.” I feel its tendrils of support. I feel all 241K heartbeats. I didn’t used to, though.

Back when I would give talks at various universities, I remember a student asking what it was like to have a following of 75K. I gave the response: “I don’t really think about it, to be honest. It doesn’t seem real; it doesn’t seem like real people.” I cringe when I recollect this. Maybe its my dyscalculia—I’ve always had a difficult time making sense of numbers, especially big numbers. Either way, while some (many?) might be bots, these numbers equate to actual humans. I don’t want to discount that. I never want to forget that.

I’m not saying I’m friends with the people who follow me on Instagram nor am I saying I necessarily want friendship from those people, but it’s difficult for me to separate myself from that space. It’s difficult for me to not compare myself to those I follow—the people I know offline and the people I’ve never met. When I’m on Instagram, I simultaneously feel a sense of belonging and isolation.

I vacillate between: “This shit doesn’t matter at all” and “This is the most important thing and it’s all I have to offer.” Neither is particularly helpful or true. Nothing has to change at the moment. I can stay in the grey space and see where I’m pulled.

I would love to hear about your experience with social media and comparison in the comments. Are you on Instagram? Have you deleted it? What comes up for you around all of this?

1. I try not to share many paid posts on here because I’m committed to open-access, etc, but this post from

   Cody Cook-Parrott
   is really fucking good and similar to my current life of aloneness as well.

2. My experiences as a disabled nail technician - Abi Hassan

3. Prisons, Prose & Protest - #12 -

   Prisonculture

4. Must-Reads and Updates on Yesterday’s Raids in Atlanta - Kelly Hayes

5. This amazing post from

   Jeanna Kadlec
   has me rethinking my move from Substack. I’m still figuring it out, but realizing that I definitely don’t have the money needed to jump ship to the platform, Ghost.

6. Of course I love this writing prompt from

   Anna Brones
   on Connecting to the Cold

7. BIG YEP: the internet is too monetizable now -

   Hmm That's Interesting

8. A fact I did not know and am proud to identify as both queer and disabled: “Did you know that disabled people are more likely than the general population to identify as queer, and queer people are more likely to identify as disabled?” -

   The View From Down Here

9. ICYMI: for paid subscribers, I write an extra personal essay each month. This month, I wrote about my mom’s relationship with a Butch lesbian cop, which initiated my ACAB feelings :)

   10. A song per te: