The Sciatica of My Discontent
The body is a massive storage facility—an emotion and sensation archive that is not temperature controlled.
I just want to be lifted out of the wound already.
The body is a massive storage facility—an emotion and sensation archive that is not temperature controlled. The body stores all that happens to it, to us.
I am afraid of my body and have been from a very young age. As a child I had countless ear infections and urinary tract infections. I learned early that my body was a site of pain. Any sensation of pleasure seemed unmemorable and came and went too quickly for my body to store it. As a teenager, I got really stomach sick and became afraid of food. Any and all food seemed to cause more stomach pain. After countless tests and ultrasounds (and a doctor-prescribed liquid diet for a while), this ended up not being anything serious. It came on after my three friends ostracized me. The sciatica came on a couple months after a horrendous breakup. My body is a frozen site of trauma and I’m worn out by it.
Nearly every day I get out of bed, my body feels stiff, sore. This body of mine is aging, yes, but the specific stiffness I feel is due to a bout of sciatica from last August.
To those who don’t know (and you’re lucky that you don’t know), sciatica is intense pain that travels along the path of the sciatic nerve, typically on one side of the body. Last August I had my first sciatica episode. I had lifted weights (a common thing for me), but apparently over did it this time. I felt fine until the next morning. I got out of bed, went to wash my face, and as I was hunched over using my cleanser, I felt an electric pain from the left side of my low back traveling down to my calf. I was fortunate in that the pain bypassed my hamstring and didn’t spread to my toes. As a reaction to this intense pain, I felt like I could pass out. I slowly moved to the floor and breathed. A few days later, I was diagnosed with “Left Side Sciatica” and given pain meds and muscle relaxants. I also did physical therapy, which unfortunately re-traumatized me.
It’s now February and I am officially in the Chronic Pain Club.
Though I have had days with much less pain, it is still always lingering beneath the surface. I have to be more cognizant of how I move my body. I try to exercise—even lightly—but my body is tense and scared. I am more worried than I’ve ever been about (re)injuring my body.
I have never been a person who does well with illness and/or pain. I envy and admire those who get sick and don’t feel completely traumatized each and every time. I envy and admire those who don’t live in a sensory hell where they feel (and are afraid) of each sensation they have—not just when sick, but all the damn time. But I also don’t know any other way. This is my normal.
When the sciatica came on, it didn’t surprise me, but it did scare me. I had just suffered a painful breakup with zero closure or concern for me and my wellbeing. I was trying to be kind to my body—to continue my exercise regime—and even up the ante a bit—lift heavier weights.
I was holding too much.
Not only was I literally holding too much weight in my hands, I was holding and lifting too much in that relationship.
Bodies are smart and they store trauma and emotions. Dr. Peter A. Levine, creator of Somatic Experiencing and author of several books on trauma and the body writes:
The bodies of traumatized people portray “snapshots” of their unsuccessful attempts to defend themselves in the face of threat and injury. Trauma is a highly activated incomplete biological response to threat, frozen in time. For example, when we prepare to fight or to flee, muscles throughout our entire body are tensed in specific patterns of high energy readiness. When we are unable to complete the appropriate actions, we fail to discharge the tremendous energy generated by our survival preparations. This energy becomes fixed in specific patterns of neuromuscular readiness. The person then stays in a state of acute and then chronic arousal and dysfunction in the central nervous system. Traumatized people are not suffering from a disease in the normal sense of the word—they have become stuck in an aroused state. It is difficult if not impossible to function normally under these circumstances.”
My body is tight, stiff, depleted from storing and holding traumatic events. I live in a perpetual state of freeze and flight. I have moments where I feel like I need to run away (my flight response). Other times, I feel incapable of movement—too afraid to do anything other than sit still (my freeze response). With the help of my somatic therapist, I have ways to work through both responses now, but it is still difficult.
Chronic pain has its own unique place in somatics. According to Dr. Levine, “Frequently, chronic pain represents a part of the body that has been dissociated.” I think about this for myself and how I may have dissociated before, during, and after my breakup. There were also many times in my life, specifically when being sexually assaulted, where I dissociated. I thank my body for this because I know it was a biological response that came in to protect me.
I don’t need this type of protection right now, though. I don’t need to flee or freeze either. I keep gently reminding my body of this through words, actions, and movement. But my body, my body, my body… she is too afraid to let go. The storage facility is full, though. For me, pleasure is not the antidote to pain; numbness is; a moment of neutrality is; anything that pulls me out of the sensation archive is.
Being in my body is the cure
Being in my body is the antidote
Being in my body is the salve
Clearing out the storage facility isn’t a goal. Living with/in the archive is.
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Yes chronic pain is exhausting..... sciatic pain can be quite painful......you seem to be doing everything you need to do.......my situation, however, is different....at 67 I have abused my body with obsessively scrubbing floors on my hands and knees, lifting and moving heavy furniture, dancing, kick boxing, the list goes on....so I now have osteoarthritis everywhere, poss fibromyalgia, and rib pain from a fall ...let's not forget OCD and plain ole stress.. Major anxiety disorder....I won't bore you anymore, but I also feel like my body has betrayed me....I hope with time and work we both can overcome......peace ✌️
This piece is lovely. As I get order, I’ve come to realize how important our bodies are for daily functioning. I was a ballet dancer in my younger years and thinking about the amount of stress, pain, and suffering I put my body’s through makes me cringe now.
I’ve been following your work for a while now, and while not directly related to this particular theme, I think my most recent post might resonate with you:
https://mcadamsphd.substack.com/p/searching-for-our-voices. Just wanted to share and be a good literary citizen :)